I cannot be selfish.
I cannot tink abt gains on my own self
I must think about other people too
If i can't have happiness myself
I will want to bring happiness to all who is around me
I understand
I know
And i will learn to accept it
And i will take off on my own wings


today was spending hours playing warcraft and battlefield even though supposed to be studying. os in 2 days and i don seem worried at all. why? i gonna get it down hard tonite

3rd

i shall try to translate the lyrics of anjing by jay into english now.. as it describes my feeling now

only left with the piano to have a chat with me
the violin is sleeping..
its so quiet..

i tink you already made it easy to understand
i know
you are not sad at all

you said you will be sad
but i don't believe
once asked you to accompany me
but that was in the past

hope that he really loves you more than i do
then only i will force myself to go away

how many times you need me to repeat
i don wanna go away
why do you want me to smile to carry this through
i don have this kind of talent
but hope you accept it
don't worry too much
i will live well on myself

you started to drift further away
i will also walk away slowly
why even after separation do i still hold onto you
i really don have talent
quietness will also not arrive that fast
meanwhile i will try my best to forget you
its because i love you too much

haiz. these days i been listening to damm sad songs. today is my 3rd day of separation.. haz
still. wherever i go i been seeing images of her everywhere. but only.. i could see him rite thru her too.. i try to be happy in real life. but tats not the case. but i'm really learning to live in a life without her. just give me more time i will succeed. cos i noe tat nothing will bring her back to me. i got really worried after yesterday . but hopes tat he really loves her. and treat her well. i don care he is wat type of person. i just want her to be happy. but if he really hurt her. den i will not forgive him

today after passing some stuff. i guess tats one of the last tings i can ever do for her. i really put alot of effort and heart to make the notes. i hope its not just dump anywhere in the house. after tat saw the disastrous scene again. yeah.. for 2nd time in 3 days saw them again. i guess. dat tis is..
maybe i purposely saw them. maybe i accidentally. maybe my heart can't let go
but.
i will pick myself up again. its only a matter of time. and wat great time for this to happen just 3 days b4 o levels.

Nice

Oh, oh, girl…
It’s so hard to say
How a love could end this way
The one that used to care for you
Just turns and walks away
And it’s so hard to find
To leave the pain behind
When all the things you’re looking for
Your heart can’t seem to find

I’ll be the air that you breathe
I’ll give the strength that you need
I’ll be the light in your eyes
When hope becomes hard to see
I’ll be your shining star
To guide you wherever you are
And I promise that
I’ll be by your side
Always you and I

No, you’re not alone
Without a love to call your own
Cause I’ll always be right there for you
To help you carry on
A heart that’s always true
Girl, I’m giving mine to you
And everything you’ll ever need
I promise I will do

I’ll be the air that you breathe
I’ll give the strength that you need
I’ll be the light in your eyes
When hope becomes hard to see
I’ll be your shining star
To guide you wherever you are
And I promise that
I’ll be by your side
Always you and I-Girl,

you know I’ll stay beside-
I will be right there for you
With a hand to hold
A heart to see you through
‘Cause each and every night
I will make you rightWhen life feels so wrong
‘Cause in my arms is where you belong

I’ll be the air that you breathe
I’ll give the strength that you need
I’ll be the light in your eyes
When hope becomes hard to see
I’ll be your shining star
To guide you wherever you are
And I promise that
I’ll be by your side
Always you and I

Accept it

after doing nothing for studies yesterday. i decided to cash in for more today. morning actually wanted to go the summary class with jimmy. but fell sick when i woke up. paiseh ah jimmy .

hmm. e only time my hp had activity today was when i msged jimmy early in e morn .. and an anomnymous caller called me while i was heading for e pool. and oso asking a question. tats all.

this is new life for me. but.. its hard too.. everywhere i went today.. i had images floating to and from my mind. kinda hard to shake off.. but after doing some work.. writing a guide.. my mind more or less stabled. i reckoned e fact tat i am not ready anyway. i just want to say sorry.

said i won't regret. but i regret doing yest. stuff. but wats done can't be undone. anyway.. after studying in library.. although images still float thru my mind when i walked down the bus passageway.. and other places. i learnt tat memories are here to stay. but don drop to abysmal depths of emptiness. its not rite.

i wanted to blog something abt me yest. but guessed tat i got my thoughts straightten out le. its uselesss to blog bout tat. no gd at all. my horoscope says tat this month would push me ahead to learn some more new things and let go of the past. kinda true rite..

i am glad i can pull myself up without anyone help this time. i am learning. slowly

now to straighten out my aims. my weekends shd be more free now. kinda sad actually. but then again. ok

i gotta get myself bz tml.

The End..

i knew it. my intuition was rite.. last thursday.. i already knew it..
had been receiving calls.. every day.. until tat fateful day.. it was her chem practical..
my words were not strong enuff to bring her back up.. someone else did. and after tat day.. it was over for me.. there's nothing left for me. i thought i was so happy on sunday..
but..

"u 100% plus confirm cant
guess who and cant find out cuz its low profile"

since thursday.. i saw her frenster.. she change her pic to an electric guitar. den i saw someone testi dere.. i started having wild guesses when i heard the above line. i knew it can never be me.. but then i had to dream too..

today. i was supposed to go to meet her and ma'am to study. in e end. i saw it. while waiting for the train. i saw her familiar bag. but beside her wasn't me. haiz...
den i just walked away in the opposite direction. it had to be over.

but i never regret taking this path. i'm glad. this path has taught me many lessons in life.. it has let me experience something tats so great.. something truthful.. i will never regret this decision i have taken. i may never get a chance with her again.. but .. dreams will never end.

i noe tat i'm foolish..
but. ..
i cried very truthfully today too..
i hope tat she will be happy for the rest of her lives..
i will pick myself up again.
rite now..
i just want to remember the memories.. and until i'm done with it..
i will let it go..
and let it burn..

yh.. i'll remember you

If I had to live my life without you near me
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long
With you I see forever oh so clearly
I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong

Our dreams are young and we both know
They'll take us where we want to go
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you

Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by now how much I love you
One thing you can be sure of
I'll never ask for more than your love
Nothing's gonna change my love for you
You ought to know by know how much I love you
The world may change my whole life through but
Nothing's gonna change my love for you

If the road ahead is not so easy
Our love will lead the way for us
Like a guiding star
I'll be there for you
If you should need me
You don't have to change a thing
I love you just the way you are

So come with me and share the view
I'll help you see forever too
Hold me now
Touch me now
I don't want to live without you

Happy

I'm so happy today!
haha!!
but most likely of just now!

ok..
starting of e day was still blurry.. still feeling abit e down. go to grandma hse. eat nasi lemak to save money. den watch tv. go home. normal stuff.. received a call. haha.. den i forget wat time i supposed to bathe.. den was late. but not tat late .. went study with yf. had some really damm salty teriyaki meal for dinner.. haha.. e salad is disgusting. e tofu too..
den crap around.. someting very R(21) on a piece of paper.. oops.
den go back home . i had hesistated when i called my dad to bet for me 10 bucks..on man u to break arsenal record today.
so i went back home on time. watch the match... got nervous when henry had his shot saved by carroll.. got nervous when arsenal managed to break man u defence. got disappointed when scholes goal was disallowed.. got HAPPY when van nistelrooy converted a penalty and rooney scored an injury time goal.. NOW I AM RICHER!

lalala.. lalalla .. i owe someone a treat though. =)

Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i'll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
there's noone left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save youfrom all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far

[Chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway

[Chorus]

This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

Blurry... yeah.. my life damm blurry now
sian.

Have u ever wondered?
When a person has visibility problems...
he can only see and feel things and people near to him..
but now with a pair of spectacles..
is him able to see close details.. and noe ppl near him exists??

rather thought provoking recently..
I miss the days
only 2 days i miss liao..
somehow i keep having thoughts of her with a guy.
sucks to the core man

i shall study finish chinese by today

Thoughts

last day of sch.. haiz. i went to sch in the morning with a heavy heart and mind.. so tok very little.. i had a good look at all my frens .. it was really emotional.. although tk last day in sch is bland. but my frens made it possible for me. they went thru thick and thin with me. made my life in each and everyway.. i'll misss them. man. getting abit emo liaoz.

after sch went home with hj and wt. in e end end up in a taxi with yf. dropped off at orchard.. man. place after place. reminded me of the past again. wisma atria mac. yea. with my coursemates last time... hazzzzzzzz.......... after tat took wrong direction bus. ended up in river valley rd.

so took bus there straight home.. the bloody bus was freezing cold. want to slp oso cannot. den damm disgusting. this sec 2 couple was sitting in front of me.. even in my pressence. they touch here touch there.. everywhere. i was grossed out. i turn around and i can see the girl hands on his ass. urgh. den the guy head at the chest. aiyah. dunno wat sch oso. blue pinnafore and yellow inside one..

after they alight at orchard got space in front. so sit in front as back row air con cover spoil. then a new sec 2 couple come up e bus and sit behind me. they were toking and toking.. nothing special. i managed to get some sleep despite the cold.. and their voices.

den finally the cold woke me up abt 45 min later. i wanted a good stretch so i turn abit behind. den saw the couple in a bloody passionate kiss position. u noe the kind u see in the movies? but heng after tat they got embarrassed and stop. after they stop. i got some peace. but was damm bloody icy until my pores all came out..

went home. stared at the hp blankly. took a breath. had a sigh. went do some work. now i noe time flies when u are concentrating.. siazz...

memories.
are u there?
i can't find u..
where are you...?
you there???

remembered this lines from ff8 when i played.. i still tink its the best final fantasy ever.. the story line was at its peak. damm touching

Do i tell her of my love since the 27th?
or do i keep it all in my heart?
I dunno what i'm gonna do without my boo..


" Ready to spend the rest of my life with you.. " Evan and Jaron - Crazy for this girl

" i may have made a few mistakes .. but losing you is too much for me to take " Busted - losing you

" So where is the good in goodbye? " Brian McKnight - 6,8,12

" Its better for me to let it go now " Usher - Burn

" Really want to work it out.. i do but you don't "
" Deep down you noe its best for yourself .. but you hate the thought of her being with someone new " Usher - Burn

" No one ever stabbed you in your back " Simple Plan - Welcome to my life

" Talk to me.. even if its just to say goodbye " Smash - Talk to me

" I have to see you.. its all that i'm asking" Son by four - Purest Of Pain

" They're not real.. they are just fantasies " Tommy Page - Paintings in my mind

" Is it too late.. are you too far gone to stay? " Midnight sons - If only tears could bring you back to me

" But i'm not the man your heart is missing.. "
" Love is one big illusion.. i shd try to forget.. " Michael Learns To Rock - That's why you go away

I don wanna noe the price i'm gonna pay for dreaming..
now tat's ur dream has come true

Tell me one thing more before i go.
Tell me how am i supposed to live without you..
now that i've been loving you for so long..

ramdom bloggin..
sian.
everyday the same one
CM and hw. sux la.

Something's burning

heyz. i was listening to some songs.. i heard this line.. damm sad sia.

So where's the good in goodbye?

yeah. forgot wat song le .. sad rite.

I'll remember you by no secrets is damm nice.. found it on a blog.
i been blog hopping for past few days. slacking lor. i wan study le la. if not history will repeat itself. read some boring . but oso interesting blog. let me understand wat girls are tinking sometimes.. oops

anyway. i hardly spoke any word. to my mum for 3 days already. can use finger count.
haiz. i dunno. i read my horoscope
Personal gains may elude you for a time, until you get your bearings and increase your own sense of emotional stability.

yeah. i admit i not emotionally stable now. not quite ba. quite sian.

It takes a lot of understanding, time and trust to gain a close friendshup with someone. As i approach a time of my life of complete uncertainty, my friends are the most precious assets.

Nothing's going rite.

today was start of truncated . was damm lethagic.. tired like craze.. so din sort of paid full attention ..
morn take mrt as usual.. needa top up card liao.. no money inside..

go home. at home feel moody le. cos of tat argumen with my mum again.
deep inside it hurts for me to treat my mum like tat. i felt like crying everytime i thought of myself ignorin my mum. so i now wanna spend my time outside of hse as much as possible..

its not i don want to patch this. it has happened too many times le.. i just want my pride. i want belief. yet. no one in this family let me feel the pride and self belief. ever since i lost my wallet. no one ever believe in me. no one ever told me i could do it...

everyone just told me .. they don trust me. .. yes. my mum don trust me. anything regardin money she will shun me. even though.. i din actually lost e wallet. i found it after 1 month at my house. even though my fone was stolen .. 2 times. and not actually misplaced...

i just don get it.. can't they give me some belief.. can't i have the rite to earn my pride back again.... i'm jus moody. i jus want someone to believe in me. and not say i'm a loser.

heaz..
jus realised i quite long nvr update sia. er. quite long? no la. a few days only..ok.
lets start with prom first.
on tat day i got disastrous results news. disapointed with my geog. tat sux la. imagine. study so hard. get a pass for paper 2 only. ARGH.

after sch, i went bedok. saw ws, jason, and ji rong, collected my ahem long awaited ahem from ws and set off for giant. ws joined me and we went to collect my specs at optical 88. damm ex sia. 188 bucks. after discount somemore..
after tat we had time to shop for his instant cam. and my facial wash. oops.

den went home. kinda slack and enjoy. was enjoying my bathe. den heard e fone rang. thought it was hj or wt . turns out to be yf. so got her msg. den took out the camera. realise no batt. went charge it. den wt and hj came!. haha.. hj looks so cute. first time see him wear like this. den we chill abit at my hse b4 goin hyatt on taxi. i realise my digi cam was fast runnin out of batt. den no choice. bought a instant. to pass to yf later.

so we went reg at hyatt. everyone just looks so great man. haha.. look so different!.. haha.. wee long looks damm cool. donovan looks like some casino boss. des looked like taxi boss. baba looked like businessman. riosh looked like riosh. yeah. ngiam looked like his usual type. ex long kang kid. oops. not long kang. i mean gangster!. haha.. den the whole lot of us just crowed along e 3rd level and awaited other ppl. anyone who came up.. we cheered and clapped..hah.a..
the stabbing of the day went to jeremy ho and amsani.. damm funny and awkward.. everyone was WOAH! OH! WOO! OH MY!.. ok leeave u to imagine ba.
some poor dresser. i mean actually one la. came in goin out clothes lor..

den passed her e digicam. er. din get to see her hair or her heels. i only looked at her face tat day. cos looked like my mum when she was modelling part time in the past.. haha . diff. look

den durin e prom. our table. chiong the food only. heck wif all e performances. every dish was wiped clean by us. had some problems during e main course. den chao liang purposely cheat sia although he claimed he dint. he got himself a diamond 2 while i got me a ace of spades. was forced to swallow a whole pile of RICE. imagine. puky feelin after tat.

after tat went walk around and took fotos wif lots of ppl.. first was wif sc.. den see anyone take take. had a mini reuninion with 2E!. den took wif some rc ppl. after tat took my last foto with lena. or lina. dunno how spell. haha. she was looking for rusydi. yeah!.

aft went watch resident evil with a bunch of vernon's tuition frens , mr tan ( i tink is their tuition teacher. no idea), tim, des, baba, jaron, teresa. haha. 14 of us. alot of tk ppl watchin same movie but diff time. borin show though. only liked one part.

after tat went ton e nite. some stayed only.. 2 of the tution ppl. or 3.. des baba teresa. jaron went off halfway. played cards and walk . haha. until daylight. den took mrt home and slp. shortly after i wake up. went play net ball and soccer with my clazmates. su,jimmy,riosh,rusydi,jeromy,hm,hafiza. haha.. netball only the last match damm fun. previous tat.. we keep losing. our team (hm,su,me) ..
den last match against jeromy , jimmy and hafiza. they kept beating us the previous rounds.. dis time me su hm set triangle tactic then we beat them 7-2. hit the last shot in from some distance. !

den return and tok on fone. den slpet fro 14 hours. hahaz... aft wake up went grandma hse. had some argument wif mum. hai. why can't she trust me.
nvm.
den tok on fone again. haha. she went watch movie den i slacked at home.
den i went simei at 5 . wait until 9 plus. haha. was going in out arcade. walk here walk there. sit here sit there. actually doin nthing much. den at 9 plus i decided i leave after failing to win any softtoys. urgh. e dolphin and rabbit so hard get meh? den at bus stop she called me. haha. we din see each other. nvm. den toked to 11. she told me wake her up at 11.30. den she went back slp again.. haha.. shd hav slp all e way man.

ok. tats e end of my long update... tml got sch!. sux.