Just close your eyes

Deceived by my eyes and all I was told I should see
Opinions not mine, the person they taught me to be
One night in the dark, a vision of someone I knew
And in the darkness I saw, a voice say, I'm you.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive

If you close your eyes your life, a naked truth revealed
Dreams you never lived, and scars never healed
In the darkness, light will take you to the other side
and find me waiting there you'll see, if you just close your eyes

Hearts uninspired, trapped inside somebody's dream
Too close to the fire, yet cold and numb with the pain
But the fever has broken, and the river has run to the sea
Washed to the ocean, and saved by a voice inside me.
Inside me a light was turned on Then I was alive


Never thought I would be here, so high in the air
This was my unanswered prayer
Defined by another, so much wasted time
Out of the darkness, each breath that I take will be mine

beautiful lyrics of a beautiful song..
i currently love this song so much..
my health further deteriorate today... i finally forced myself to see the doc..after a scary dream..though the dream did not fully reflect me in my real life.. but since i dreamt of such things.. i could have done such tings in real life too.

feel super weak now.
urgh.
but i must hang on.

just close your eyes..

y h

Terrible


hoping tat today will get better, i only got worse.

i popped in a panadol yest night. and slept..

today the ache around the head just got worse... the fever worse, and just now stomach pain too.. i feel terribly weak now.. urghhh...

yet i refuse to see the doc.

mum : want to go see a doc?
me: this type of small thing see.. waste money only..

i know i shdn do this.. as i am shirking my responsibility.. its not just for myself.. its for others...
i might infect other ppl too... (sound like a major disease) ..

but then. hai. nvm.
my own principles and rationale behind it ba.

my cough got worse too. tissues aplenty...

my eyes hurts!
and when i cough, my head aches.

oh my!.. how bad can it get..

i hope to recover soon la..

but guessed i will no choice miss monday bike outing.

time not on my side.

y h

Fatigue

i have fallen to the clutches of the miserable sickness again.. argh..

after fa duty last week.. i have been super listless..

then i injured my right arm on tat day..
but it got well soon after..

but then playing bball 2 days ago, landed me with an injured left arm..

now still pain.. my mom say is strained veins or something.

my left knee is suffering from an an old injury.. the knee caps hurts!

my right knee more or less ok liao.

coupled with the fact tat i have fever now, flu and an ongoing cough for 3 days..


it sucks!!!


listless,headache,weak,dizzy,sore throat,cough,flu,fever,physically injured.

LOL.
this is btw, a complain session to my blog. and also to let me get well soon..

Well.



hey isnt tat a red cross link and boy scout.. now who are they??? admit!. oops. i think tats me in my link days and my lil bro. p2 had to comment something abt it.. =_=

P2 : " Hey, where were ur slender legs? "
Me : " =_=" "



ok someone better admit whos tat froliking with that babe in my hometown village...

oh no its me! haha. with my childhood g/f.
erm no.
paiseh.
i mean my relative in thailand



erm. i think tats me. ya i think la. but could be not. erm. lol
but tat cat is evidence to wat i told some of my friends.
yeas. tats the cat tat protected me when i was a baby in village.
and i love cats because of this reason!

Memory lane

i was flipping channels.. and i stumbled accross chan 56, which was showing a sort of old looking show. it was quite funny at the first instance... but as i watched on.. i was quite captivated by the show..

the show had this simple but truthful message in the end for the viewers...

i translated, " Its not neccessary to go back to the past all the times. If you do not want to regret what you have done, then treasure every moment you own now. "

haha. i felt tat its a really nice show. haha.

very meaningful. haha. glad tat i stumbled accross it.. its not a show tat i would want to watch a lot of times.. but rather, a show which i only need to watch one time for me to understand and enjoy it. afterall. i treasure tat moment of piece it gave me.. right? haha its not neccessary to go back to the past afterall if u had treasured the moment.

yesterday was a super listless day for me la.
wake up already fill super listless. dunno what i am doing.. dunno where i am heading. feel super blur.. den fa duty.. my right arm felt damm pain. yesterday got record number of casualties.. i tink more than 30.. i handled or rather evacuated more than 10. arms pain. lol. but i got more experience frm yesterday liao.. thank goodness..

think shd be the last rc activity for quite sometime for me liao. like weishan ma'am.. my boss. haha. or rather her second last. can see tat she really very tired liao

after the day.. i still felt super listless. my whole body not functioning properly.. i had aggravated my right ankle and knee .. which is super bad.. and dor ma'am's friend, tris is super bumbotic yesterday!!! LOL. ahaha.

and i am glad tat eusoff sir and me shared quite a number of interests.. i love bikes.. he loves too .. or rather he loves motorbikes!

we love warcraft 3 dota. but we sucks at it!

everything la. i fnd him quite a nice and comical guy.


this is rather a usual yh style post for a change rite.. haha. i need to update a while.. if not readers will feel damm bored after reading the previous few entries, without knowing wat they mean! actually oso no meaning la some. haha.

y h

The unintended 4 letter word

I brought with me a heart so frail and left
I know that i no longer hold a place in your heart
Though we used to be together
However to you ,
Those memories ain't worth a remembrance

I brought with me a heart so frail and left
I know for myself have no more strength to say bye
Though we used to be together
However to you ,
Those memories ain't worth a remembrance

Is it really destined ,
That i can never truly possess your everything
Is it that i tried so hard ,
Just to bear the loneliness ?

I know that you do not dare to tell me the truth
I wonder if that is to see me in my pain and destruction
Though you never said you wanted to leave
I long felt that your heart has flown away

If you still love me
You won't just let me lie in your ignorance
Furthermore let me get by long nights slowly
Just to walk around with no reason

If you still love me
You won't just let me lie in your ignorance
And i can just hold back my tears
and leave silently


Translating Ru guo ni hai ai wo(If you still love me) by Guang Liang is so difficult.

As i sat in the bus yesterday evening.
I wondered just what i have become.
The promise of love has gone bleak ever since. And though i am happy with my current life, i longed for that feeling that i shared with one special girl, though just well on my part, again.
Yet, i know that this feeling will not return to my grasp for some time. But, how time passes. It just seems like eternity since last year.

Love, as people put it as a four letter word often unintendedly, reflects several different views like a kaideloscope. Love, as some may want to put it as, can be as hurting and piercing like the shattered glass scattered on the floor. Or, it could be the wonderful and heavenly feeling.

Although i don't deem myself as a love expert, nor an expereinced veteran, i do have views that an ordinary man will have. I do not have any prior relationships to share of, nor any earth shattering breakups to cry for. However, i do share the same feelings as those whom have just fallen in love, gotten into a relationship, or those on the verge of a failed relationship.

For myself, i know the wonders of love. Unfortunately, i understand the pain of love too. The results of love is not as disastrous as other people may put it in. Yes, i agree that it is beyond the pain you can endure physically when you get hurt in a relationship.

But, how often do people marvel at love, because of its healing powers rather than havoc?

Love brings out the best in each individual, and the worst.
For me, love changed me drastically. How often you can see the worst groomed individual transform into a being of pride, sense and delight?

When i was fervently in love, how much i love myself then. Afterall, in order to love someone else, you must learn to love your ownself beforehand. How much i remembered that before each so called date, i will groom myself to my very best, get a nice shave, put on gel to perfect that crop of hair, in the end, turned out to be a fashion disasterbut yet could still laugh and smile.

How much i desire that cafferine while indulging in a world of own. But sadly, every nicely put detail will meet an end. every 2 lines drawn will have a shape. Good or bad, the fate lies in the hearts, not just yours. I won't curse myself over that failed relationship, though i will regret decisions that i foolishly made.

Because, in the very end, i understood that for sure, love erased my bad habits, gave me motivation to tone that body, work out, and lastly,

Love made me a man.


Now without love, i am surviving well, though some bad habits have returned. What irony. But hey, now, i share a certain kind of love with my friends, family and all around me. They not only made me a man. But , a better man.


y h

(how do u find my writings? relevant? or just crap? haha)

Remembrance

on the bus trip back home after lan with jimmy just now..
i thought of alot of stuff to blog..

first is abt significant places in my secondary school life..
and the second.. about love itself.

the latter i will blog tml, or some day later. cause i simply don wish to write abt it now.
funny how things go right? just now i wanted to write abt it . haha.

East Coast Park underpass

this is one of the more memorable places in my stay in tk.. i remember that everytime, i will walk thru here to get to any class outing .. haha. and the first ever 2e class outing..at ecp. .. it rained.. then we had our stay at there throughout.. haha. joke rite.. but its quite fun la.. the rain. everything abt there.

East Coast Park

ok. needless to say. beautiful scenery. gallery of stars. wat more can i say.. and ya. one memorable day was when zheng jue,me,yee feng, shuwen ton the night there.. becos next day got cca event.. so we din go home and stayed there.. those were times when the four of us were on better terms.. i mean.. i find him at that time a nice guy.. to be with.. but times has changed ba.
but nevertheless i loved the company then. i remember the tower incident. and everything. its just so memorable. and me carrying 2 cups of hot noodles walking more than 2k in the morn just to give the girls to eat. the morning jog.. the chit chat session. the job of keeping the girls warm with all my shirts..

haha.

Marine Parade Community Centre

ah.. mpcc was one of the most frequent cc i went during my sec 1 and 2 years.. then i was influenced by chuan ren and leong chuan to play bball.. then our whole class would go to mpcc each friday for weekly 2e day.. it was so fun.. those were the days whenever i can even shooot onto the rim, to me it was tyco liao. haha. fun days definitely.

Noticeboard area of TKSS

ah.. rememembered that everytime during recess between sec 2 and 3s will go and sit with yee long and talk cock. haha.

TKSS
ok. might as well say the whole sch.. the bball court of remembrance. everyday in recess go play.. the area beside photocopying centre.. i remember i was there to be raped by the Gay Club always. haha. my brother dickson (baba). the dnt room.. everything abt TKSS. the moment i saw D7 on my june chinese grade.. my artefact.. mr mustapha, mr koh , mr ong... hahaha...
3k/4k class room was one of the best too.. i remember everytime during recess stay in class eat.. in the end got caught.. fighting with my friends sounded so childish again.. crying in my first day in sec 3.. ok tats stupid. haha.. joshie.. jeromy.. jimmy.. aaron.. haha. chia. forever sleeping..

haha. and last. tkrcy. forever man. however bad my batch were.. we were the perfect followers..
i can't forget the times i spent with my squad mates.. those were wonderul times...

Century Square

how can i leave this place out. haha. its the place i watched the day after tomorrow. fantastic movie.. and most impt of all. it is the plcace i watched my first movie with a girl. oops. haha.
but damm memorable place as well.. this is where i bought her the gigantic pig stuffed toy..

Changi Simei CC

yeah. can't leave this out i guess.. my sadest moment of my life was there, myahppiest moment was there too.. need any more hints? the times we had, the bad times we had, the good.. everything.. the weekend studying sessions. the phone calls we would have for everyday for hours and hours.. the arcade .. meeting her mum. meeting her sis. seeing her dad. studing wiht her till wee hours in her hse. the sight then was spetecular. though we weren together. but the feeling we had together was. together.


7 Eleven.

the 7 eleven at paya lebar. the times with haojie and gang. need more explanation?

Dhoby Ghaut/YMCA mac
rc activites.. and most impt.. drawing with this grp of special friends.. i cna never forget them. the memories sink deep into me .. this i why i am still unable to go back to them.. i feel scared.. an inner power restricting me.. but i will always remeber times with error/kunkka.. yukikaze..bnn.. chii... rainyday.. rikux.. kamui.. flaw... kujo.. keesiao.. takahan.. and many more..

Fengshan CC alpha cafe(gone)

ok. simple reason here. th studying sessions with haris. tats enough to justify.

PRO east cyber.

the most frquented lan cafe , that gang 4k will go for our warcraft 3...

Pasir Ris

the mini bbq with roro, aaron, jimmy.. so so fun....

ok thats all for now ba.. next time will blog more. ahahah..

y h

Beautiful.


today a certain mr quek was on a spending spree..

argh!

budget planning starts NOW!

actually i hate the way i treat her now..

its so cold lor..

i mean she is so close to me..

yet i can just dump her aside...

when i don need her..

but yet i demand her to be by my side every second ...

so wats my prob...

do i cherish her.. do i have the right to own her..

well i dunno..

i just dumped her aside for games today againn...

i feel demoralised..

haiz..






WELL.
what were u all thinking off???



its just my ipod shuffle!!!
i was referring to her!
hahah!


ok la i mistreat my shuffle.. but then. oops!


bought wu yin liang ping best collections today...
damm nice..

but i fell in love with the mtvs instead. haha..

there's this cantonese song by ping guan which is mny favourite song in the whole cd..

jiao tang de chu wen (the very first kiss in the church)

literally it means getting married ba.. the music is so damm nice and the way he sings is damm nice too la.. but disappointment in the mtv.. i expected it to be some marriage.. but turns out to be him singing only..

di yi ci mtv is damm cute and funny . LOL!

peng you mtv, is nice. although simple, it just reminds me of my friends..

but the surprising one was yu guo tian qing

its the nicest mtv in the whole package.. !!!! unbelieveable rite???

but wat was missing was the rainbow and rain.. but i guess the lyrics fit in ba..

"who says it must rain when it is dark? "

ya. what is good abt the mtv is tat it captured lots of beautiful sceneries.. super nice.. i wish i can be at the actual location lor.. i love the mtv!

but of cos i love guang liang's songs more than ping guan songs . hahaha!

is this genuine concern i am feeling?

is that feeling of last yr back?

well.

i guess.

not.

but it evolved in a way.
evolved to be a genuine concern as a good friend.

i hope you are fine.
worried.

Puzzling.

Everytime when i blog a new entry, i seem to be puzzled by myself.

why do i write this/that in my previous entry?
why do i get so high/low in my previous entry?

weird kinda. i bet i am gonna question myself on why this why that the next time i blog.

its been kind of tiring, these days had on me.

and its not gonna end any sooner. next week fa duty. ya.

think it might as well be one of my last duties before sch starts.

no more unit trainings for a long long time.

and since sch clashes with rc camps.

it could be a very long time until the next rc event hits me.

even so, it will be something not so prominent, like just helping out in hq, or at unit trainings..


no, i'm not quitting, neither am i losing interest.

i just feel that there is enough manpower/people in there,
there is no need for me, to sacrifice something important to add to unneccessary help.

haha. crap.



otherwise..
these days, i have been so proud of myself.
although i have been spending money.
i have kept this secret savings of mine to a drawwer. and i won't touch them until i run out of money..
i think its over 20 bucks now. haha. not bad for a week of savings.

and i made a wonderful makeshift dinner for myself yesterday night.
i so wanted to take a pic of it.
but camera batt flat then.. damm!

but i know i can cook up even more wonderful meals for myself and my family soon. not just yest!.

haha.


y h

Brand new

They say happiness will bring success to all.

Do you find it true?

Recently, i have been very optimistic (am i? referring to the previous post), and happy about how things came out for me.

i seriously am seeing a different side of me le.

doing the training programme yesterday, brought me back to the past,
when i was still an NCO.

yesterday, i did the programme sheet, just like old times, except that i have did it in a VI's point of view.

today, i saw my plan being executed out almost perfectly, smooth running, brilliant execution to the crisp.

it was the last training of the term, and i din want it to waste.
due to the emergency crisis, i had to take authority,
well. i learnt that when the situation gets out of hand, VIs have the right to take things into their own hand.

I did that,
and succeeded.

I am a leader. not a wimp anymore.


i am glad i initiated the rebuilding, by beginning with a trash talk to set out the uppcoming committee. didn know so much things existed, and i was more than pleased to be of a help, although not prominent, to them.

i was glad, to hear the words..

" we would want someone to hear us, someone we respect, someone like yong hock sir"

it really made my day, and confirmed that i am finally a VI not a wimp.

it has finally given me the thing i need to overcome my disastrous NCOs life.

i am happy.

i will be more than happy, if the situation would come to everyone's good too.

y h

Scared


i am very scared now. terrified..

yong cheng sir told me the consequences of one mistake i made in the enrolment form when i told him tat.

and the consequences are very hard on me.

1) Best case scenario - staff allow me to edit, may take days, but worth it.
2) My study gets delayed by a year.
3)I get court charged
4)I get kicked out of course.


damm scared.
i really din know.
i had thought tat i shd put down as "exempted"


pls.
pray...



y h

Grown.


i certainly felt that i have grown much stronger, throughout this 2 yrs of self reflection, learning, and growing.

u might see, if u are really bored, from my previous ancient posts, that i am very hesistant in voicing out my own feelings, my thoughts, keeping them hidden beneath my memory. However, i think i have really learnt to express myself through writing, i can blog more openly than last time, and even though this is a public blog, as much as i hate to admit it, there is day in day out traffic through the dreamy thoughts of mine.

But i don't regret, publicising the blog in the first place, it gives me strength, friends, warmth and lastly,

Confidence.


And throughout these few days,
i think i have learnt quite a lot too,
i have matured slowly,
i tend to irritate ppl,
but now, its to a lesser and lesser frequency.

Especially these 2 days. its been a rare occasion for me to sprout something stupid enough to irritiate, rather, i have been entertaining like old times, just that i haven been irritating enough, for them to scold a vulgarity or two into my face.


I'm glad. i also learnt to budget manage my remaining funds. Days i am at home, i tend to cook for myself, rather than buy food. i think i am learning well.. maybe in the future, i may even be able to cook for my future wife =). oops. sorry. think too far liao.

yeah.
gotta go.
superhero ain have boundless energy.
did i say i was a superhero?
oh well...

i guess i am a hero.
i believe in the hero in me.
isn that heroic enough?

crap!

pain la.
gotta go liao.
there are 2 awfully painful growth on my body, at 2 awkward positions. (READ : Pimples)
and they are really damm pain when i sat down. damm.


y h

Another post.

I am still in action. i am still alive and kicking. however, i have now slipped away. my shadow has shrunk. perhaps not visible these days anymore, since it has been raining.

yes.

i still contribute as much as what i did last time.
But

just that i am steering in a different direction.
I din/am not going to/ go to april 14.
becos i am not going to go to any event,
to just eat and tiao ka
without helping out.
sounds so bad.
being at a place without any purpose.

so might as well don go.
i know i will miss my friends alot.
but sometimes, work priority comes first

better don disturb the peace , and their work antics.


16 i am going. but i only know of my role.
traffic controller.
but do wat?
haha.
gonna find out soon.


been going for lots of duties.
i feel satisfaction.
why?

becos, not only i am given the chance to lead,
i am also able to save lives.
i can lead and serve at the same time.
isnt that getting the best out of both worlds?

but i know i am lonely
becos all my friends are helping out more on leadership
i wanted to help out in the upcoming camps.
but.

my sch starts at 23 may.
i don want to miss it.
i want to still achieve my future goal.

its time to not be selfish man, yh.
its time to focus.
don just join anything for sake of friends.
don forget my future goal..


otherwise, i been taking in comments/critiques/bitching
for the past few days.
but i don mind
cause i know i have control over my own mind

i am free.

i am yong hock.

I lead a fantastic life.

"" I anticipated her move. As I felt my head being forced down, I closed my eyes tightly and clamped my mouth shut. My nose struck first. A warm sensation oozed from my nostrils. I tried to stop the blood from escaping by breathing in. I snorted bits of defacation back up my nose with the blood."

"I cried to Mother upstairs, begging her to let me use the toilet upstairs. She refused. I stood downstairs, afraid to move, as clumps of the watery matter fell through my underwear and down my pant legs, onto the floor.
I felt so degraded; I cried like a baby. I had no self-respect of any kind. I needed to go to the toilet again, but i was too afraid to move. Finally, as my insides twisted and turned, i gathered the last of my dignity."

"upstairs the battle begins. SInce it's after four in the afternoon, i know both of my parents are drunk. The yelling starts. First the name-calling, then the swearing. I count the seconds before the subject turns to me. - It always does. The sound of Mother's voice makes my insides turn. 'What do you mean? She shrieks at my father, Stephen. 'You think i treat The Boy bad? Do you?' Her voice then turns ice cold. I can imagine her pointing a finger at my father's face. 'You....listen.....to....me. You... have no idea what it's like. If you think that i treat IT that bad.... then.... IT can live somewhere else.'

These are ramdom excerpts taken from the first part of dave pelzer's life.
Its the saddest story of child abuse i ever heard. or rather, seen. If you all think that you all are going through hell in ur life. I bet a thousand, you are way wrong to say that. Go read the book " A child called "It" " and you will know what i mean...
Come on,
At the age of nine, you have been burned on the stove, stabbed in the chest, being throw down stairways, Being starved for as long as ten days, to be a slave for ur mum and other siblings, lie for the sake to protect ur mum, being forced to eat baby brother's shit, eat leftovers from dog's dish, sleep in just an old army cot, no change of sch uniform for 4 yrs, being locked in a small toilet, with a pail full of chlorox and ammonia, and lastly

Being called IT. Being treated worse than an animal. SO how does that sound.
And after all these, Dave pelzer, still says he led a fantastic life.

I have long dreamt of living all 3 parts of his life.
A child called "It" - tells of his life from 4 to 12 yrs old
The lost boy - tells of his escape from "home" and living in foster homes, being used by other ppl, learning the values of life, learning everything from scratch, his struggle as a teenager.
A man named dave - How he overcame all his obstacles in his adult life with no resources, no knowledge, and worst. no home to call of his own.

As soon as i got my pay, i rushed down to TIMES , and got "My story" its a compilation of all 3 books. Man, its inspiring and meaningful read.
I strongly recommend all 3 books to everyone, especially the first one.

ya.


i supposed to do fa duty later. have to wake up by 5am. so y am i online. haha.

Some notes for my friends

here are just some stuff i want u all to know abt me.

1. I am an emotional person, so its normal for me to shed tears and feel sad.
2. I am very fun loving, i like to crack lame jokes not for the fun of it, but it is to entertain my friends
3. I don mind being a person to be suaned and teased, used as an object of humiliation (just don be too overboard), if your purpose to do so can entertain others in the meantime
4. I cannot be the crappy me as always, i do get moody at times, sometimes, while i say i do not need company, what i need most is somebody who can talk to me
5. I don't always need guidance or sweet talk, sometimes i would prefer ppl treat me as a ordinary guy, and just knocks some sense into me when i indulge in self pity
6. There are somethings about me that only close friends of mine will understand, so don't expect yourself to keep saying " i understand " doing so will only stab me more and make me feel like i am being pitied.
7. I do have my own pride at times, sometimes i do like to over express myself. When that happens, kindly tell me off and i will watch myself.
8. I am not a vocal person, i don express myself well, thats why i am typing all these out. So don get the wrong idea when i don't reply to u or say sorry, or simply shut my mouth.
9. Some days i just wwant to be alone, and not to be bothered. i also get jealous at times, but don't mind me, don't talk to me at those times, if not i will feel more hurt.
10. Lastly, there are somethings i will never be able to answer when u all ask me. Because i can only open up to my close friends. And do allow me time to change. Its the way i am, and i am the person i am. If you see something wrong in me, don expect me to change immediately.

Sometimes, i do get scolded for wrong reasons, or rather reasoned out for the wrong things.. i feel damm hurt when that happens.

for those who dint know. If u all did go for VIP camp, what u saw of me was a shadow of my past.

i shall just state some facts abt my life.

Before VIP, there was this leadership camp called ULC.

Right from the very second i was Camp I/C, i got lamented and scolded.

I made all the instructors faces turned black, except for two instructors, huda ma'am and chee keong sir. But i knew that they were disappointed with me.

I had earlier been appointed as vice chairperson for TKRCY. Yet, i did not have leadership qualities. I was very disappointed then. But chee keong sir told me on the night before camp broke. he told me, cheer up.

after the camp, and POC, i went to call my special friend. even yee long has abandoned me. thats wat i thought last time.

" hai. i know it, i cannot blame yl. even him, he is so outstanding, of cos can celebrate. me? ..."

i cried heavily after that phone call with my special friend.. and i just went to esplanade.

that was my first time to esplanade. and it was on a sad occasion.

BUT what i want u all to know is not this, but the change that i have made. who could have believed that it was me in VIP they saw.

ok i tell u all a more startling fact.

Before sec 2 December, the only people i played or interact with was with my block neighbours.

Before sec 4, the only people i had went out with was my CCA friends.

The first movie i watched with my friends was in sec 3 mid june. the movies i watched with my friends before o levels was less than 5.

The first time i went to tampines mall alone for fun was in sec 3.

The first time i went out with friends to shopping mall was in sec 3.

The first time i went to Bugis was in sec 3.

The first time i initiated a conversation with a girl (msn, or real life) was in sec 2.

The first time i used Gel was in sec 3. (LOL this is crap la)

The first time i went out with a girl alone was in sec 3, and it was the girl who asked me out(oops!)

The first time i dared to ask a girl out was in sec 3 november? (LOL this is also crap)

Basically i am a non social freak.

so, its common and justifiable (what i think la) that i get over expressive in conversations or outings.

you all may say i have a children mindset, i don deny, for this is created by the environment i was raised in, the fun u all had in sec sch life, i am just starting to experience it now.

My childhood also led to this. But i don feel like talking abt my childhood now.

So if anyone of u all had questions to ask me why i am so like this, like tat, its because of this reason.

And i am asking for a chance to change.

Change is constant afterall.

what point i want to make is that, if i can make such a change in such a short time from ulc to vip, i am certain that i can change too for the better.

so please don always blame me for this/that.

i hope i am clear enough

y h

Rain

I braced myself against the onslaught of the crushing rain..
As if the rain could neutralise my pain.
It wasn't futile though, i realised as i felt my thumping heart

My tears clashed with millions of raindrops,
Making my own pressence small and puny.
It didn help for the fact that my thoughts were banished
Banished to the ends of my mind

And it didn't matter
When vehicles zoomed past me
And sent waves of unneeded warmth
to my already extinct body.


i was really upset/angry/sad/guilty today

upset is because i got scolded
angry is because i got scolded for blogging
sad is because i felt sad
guilty is when i saw the emotion and tears in his eyes.

maybe i was wrong.

so from now.
after i get the script prompt codes from liang ge..
i gonna privatise my blog.

i know this is a heavy decision. but in order for myself to express more freely..
without any fear of being guilty or any of the emotions seen above..
i have to do this..

only certain ppl will get the password to my blog...
cause i feel comfortable with them reading it..


wat a way to go..
i dint want to privatise my blog..
but i guess.
i have no other choice..

i bet i am gonna fall sick soon... i was soaked in rain.. lots of vehicles sent water onto my body.. so ya.
and to think i went for medical after that.
what rubbish.


y h

I feel absurb. a blog is meant for my own. yet i can't post what i like. like that i gonna privatise it soon already. whats the point if i can't express freely.

Famous Crime Duo Busted By Media Reports

Reported By : Quek Yong Hock
Singapore 4 April 2005,


An adventurous crime acts which was set to go down as one of the greatest crime getaways of all time was brilliantly halted by the media crew who stopped 2 prominent members of a criminal group.

Ambrose "Lily" Shen, nicknamed as the Siow Ba Bin, for his pimpled and "roast pork" like shape and size, was captured live by a member of Channel News Asia before escaping with his partner in crime, *** for his never ending bids to entice cute pretty young girls in falling for his unknown charm.

It was close to 1pm on local time, when the robbers struck. At Kim Heng's oilfield barge, the two robbers' actual plans were to make away with just over 1500 tonnes of relief supplies meant for the vicitms of Nias Island Earthquake. However, their plans were twarted when Miss Chua Peh Yee, known as P2, tipped the media off of the duo's evildoings.

The media then swiftly came into action and shot the duo live on national television for a few seconds of footage, before the duo made their way out of the barge by running away. Plans to stop their escape was denied by the heavy rain. However the smell of roast meat led the undercover cop, Mr Quek Yong Hock, formerly known as the chairman of the higly established society, "QQ Lame Club", to the doors of Singapore Red Cross House.

Mr Quek, when interviewed, said, "
I do not know why they (referring to the criminal duo) would want to steal the supplies. Its as if they did not have any heart for the victims. But, to do such a crime in broad daylight is unacceptable. If i must add on, incredibily stupid."

P2 apparently belonged to the criminal group, but resigned when she knew of their plans to steal relief supplies. In return, she sold off the group when she told Channel News Asia about their plans.

The police is now increasing their vigilance for future attempts to steal by SBB and **. While on the alert, the police expects the public to be alert, including cute pretty xiao mei meis. They could strike anytime.

The duo are easily recognisable. SBB has a body structure of roast meat, nothing more said. ** apparently has a small beard and a pervetic pair of eyes.

Their criminal acts would not last long though, remarked Undercover Cop Mr Quek.

" I expect their next plundits to be on wednesday, early morning at a possible location such as the east side of Singapore. However, whatever plans they have, the media plays a big part in stopping them. "


End Of Report

Memories

Nowadays, is rain peltering days. complete with ramdom sunshine and occasional rainbows.

Its not a bad weather. rather, an emotional weather. it tells and reflects many people's feeling. Some ppl may be feeling warm at sometime, some happy. some sad, some moody. there are just so too many emotions to be told.

i ignored the shelter, and ran aimlessly in the rain. That mini adrenaline rush, not as much compared while biking or to a lesser extent, playing basketball..
but still, it was warm for my heart, yet cold on the outside for me.i swiped raindrops from my face and looked up.
i saw the light instead of darkness though.
Thats when i realised.
its not darkness everytime it rains.

its just what your mind puts you through.

Troubled as i have been in recent days, i still managed to find some joy in my life..afterall. who wants to be sad?

today while sitting on the desk of the office while waiting for the peltering rain to stop its onslaught against the weakness of the cameras..
i read every msg i had in my "palmtop" . Well.. not exactly a palmtop now , since i somehow repaired it..
and i read every single msg properly.. before dumping and deleting them...what memories.

there were bad and good ones. it sometimes puzzles me how much support my friends give me..and how much support i give in return...

the countless msges of my dear friends... sending me their well wishes.. wishing me to get well.. hoping my dark spell gets over soon... asking me whether i am alright..
those were...

thoughts well written from the bottom of their hearts..


i really wondered sometimes.. am i really a great guy to what they say. i know i shouldn question what my friends say of me..

but sometimes i do wonder. whther they do say things to cheer me up, make me feel better... or for the sake of it.
of course, there are no good or bad. i feel guilty when friends worry for me. but sometimes i do want encouragement..
while on one hand.. sometimes, i just feel this or that particular person doesn trust me enough.

but on the whole. my friends.. my friends are the ones who make my life bright,no matter how dark the sky could be..there will always be sunlight peeping through...

Sometimes i do neglect my friends.. irritate my friends (most of the times actually).. make them angry.. make them laugh...make them cry..
but i don always mean it.

i am very bad at expressing myself vocally.. i am more of a written person.. i express my thoughts better through writing..

so sometimes, u may be mad at me.. and scold me.. and i don say a word of sorry.. and just stare.. and be silent.. and just allow myself to crawl to one side of the room, while waiting for ur fuse to get back...

i am deeply in thought."what have i done.. hai."
i always wanted to say sorry. but it is just too hard for me to express it well enough.. so when u really see me say sorry .. in a sincere tone..it will be one of the rare times...
i seldom say sorry ba.haiz.but i do feel guilty and deep in my thoughts.. i do repent. and hope for a chance.

thats all ba...

haha. some stuff of mine got more settled today.. now its on my own. tml i gonna go down to settle it..thanks u know who u are for helping me out.
although u don read my blog.

=)

long, long..

yeah. i think i can now blog with my thoughts.

along long long post for this one ba.

i shall just transfer from a piece of paper i written my thoughts on for the first part..
it was my feelings at that time, but after writing it out, i felt much more better...


Dear diary,

I am writing to you because i feel so out of place. I just feel that my shadow is shrinking and that just so much express the person who owns that shadow.

Financially disturbed, spiritually distuyrbed.
What a way to go.

I know sometimes i can be really irritating. I know it.

But.
I don't do it for fun.
Yes i tried. But each time i failed and start complaining to you, diary.
Can't i geniuely try to change. Or could it be just me?

I was handed tasks to do, yet here i am trying to think of excuses to wriggle my way out.
Whats so difficult of picking up the phone and calling a single person? Whats so diffucult of collating lists.
And why do i play games instead of doing work.

I feel so out of place.
Everyday lying on the bed
Doing nothing abt my errors.

Drawing wise,
I also bothered to stuck myself with critiques.
Why can't i use them to motivate myself rather than just stay home and cry foul.

Today supposed to collect uniform and yet i forgot? And moments before weiliang called, i was still playing games. This is not right yh.
You are just trying to go back to the cadet you.
I am sure you don't want to be what you were. but why are you still?

Unrepentable.


Why can't I.
i hope my pay comes soon.
such a long time.
really long.
i need to pay some money.
and i dare not ask mum for it.
i know she will kill me.
i feel really disturbed now.


I block the msg above out, because i don want to read the msg always.. of cos readers are free to read it, but don ask me abt it, cause i got over most of it le..

i had a very in depth talk with my friend over another friend. but i was glad that she said this line at the end when we left.

" yh, thanks for that little talk. i will think abt it. "
"no prob. "

i feel very much relieved now, now that i have done what i should have done. its a very long story.. and maybe i will blog some other time.

yesterday was fa duty.
it was very monotonus day...
the time was moving like as it were prehistoric time.. and everything seems so ancient to me.. especially first part of the day..
the lorry ride.. the scout campsite.. everything just reminds me of my hometown..
suddenly at that point.
i felt damm homesick.
but i liked the feeling of just living without worries at that point..

i saw ppl, from diff uniform grps, talking to each other happily.. everyone just so much contented with each other...

suddenly my thoughts has freezed.
so ya.
till the next time.


haha.
i smiled and frowned.


y h