maybe?

o level results has been released. work is coming to an end. pay is arriving. got sastifying grades for os..

3 distinctions. struct a2 for both pure geog and comb humans. got the magical 1 for my dnt.
but i don't seem to be happy. sure. i enjoyed myself.. today.. played games like some idiot in frens hse.. but ...


i realised i am still a sucker. a sucker in caring abt friends' emotions.
i know that not everyone can be happy at any times.. i know tat ppl around me, sure got ppl sad one. yet i just continued caring abt my own pleasure, enjoyment. like as if i don care..

i knew yc was sad, to get tat points. i knew she wanted to stay in tj. but hai. i din't console her. neither did i gave her tat reasurement she needs. at the end of the day, i still cannot do anything..

i knew ys was sad. even though is a english d7. he was sad. he wanted to pass english badly. yet he got d7... but yet.. i dint console him too. urgh

ky wanted to go poly. his results did not permit him to do so. yet. i just cared abt my games.

yh yh yh...
wat is wrong with u?

i'm such a sucker.

maybe?

o level results has been released. work is coming to an end. pay is arriving. got sastifying grades for os..

3 distinctions. struct a2 for both pure geog and comb humans. got the magical 1 for my dnt.
but i don't seem to be happy. sure. i enjoyed myself.. today.. played games like some idiot in frens hse.. but ...


i realised i am still a sucker. a sucker in caring abt friends' emotions.
i know that not everyone can be happy at any times.. i know tat ppl around me, sure got ppl sad one. yet i just continued caring abt my own pleasure, enjoyment. like as if i don care..

i knew yc was sad, to get tat points. i knew she wanted to stay in tj. but hai. i din't console her. neither did i gave her tat reasurement she needs. at the end of the day, i still cannot do anything..

i knew ys was sad. even though is a english d7. he was sad. he wanted to pass english badly. yet he got d7... but yet.. i dint console him too. urgh

ky wanted to go poly. his results did not permit him to do so. yet. i just cared abt my games.

yh yh yh...
wat is wrong with u?

i'm such a sucker.

Before i go


just felt like typing. haha. anyway. fdc is over. it has not been the best one. but nevertheless, i gained much from it throughout my one day there. i was supposingly commander. but felt tat i couldn't make it.. so i switched with cedric. den i became timekeeper. haha...

1st round of round a. was more abt testing and experiment.. there was 2 commanders on the ground.. however it didn't quite work out, so resident judge mr andrew ong, changed it to lawrence sir being the commander.. got quite a lot schs got caught in the web... and failed to wriggle out..

but i am quite happy tat tk. got first for east district.. even though they never got in nationals.. its quite a happy result.. hahah...

throughout the competition got quite alot of learning points.. so i guess we shd learn from our mistakes and improve even further ya?

haha..

for all schs who did not make it, don't regret, don't be disappointed, instead, learn to be prepared for surprises, learn to become stronger..

i'm glad becos.. actually.. i screwed up for the competition.. i forgot abt my whistle.. made vivian ma'am not happy for a while.. haiz. but i guess i will do better on my next event..

before the competition.. its the first time, i scolded a sec 4 nco. until he cried. its the first time i seen him cry too. its the first time i made a junior cry..

i sort of regret.. but luckily, tat scolding turned him into a better person.. even though now.. he may hate me.. as long as the unit is well. i rather be hated.

as instructors.. even on the outside we may be emotionless... inside we are deeply hurt..

oh well..
where's my lunch?

just some thoughts.

it just occured to me tat ky is becoming just like friends who used to bully me. u noe. those type of friends.. when u are alone with. treat u good.. then in front of others.. will always "act" then suan me like siao.. anger me on purpose..

yeah.. i don like this type of fren. hope he changes...

another thought was reading a blog. den after tat memories just flowed back. but i guess..
if u noe who i am referring to.. yeah. u. i sent u an email le. just read it k. no hard feelings.. but yeah.. u can take my advice.. or u can take tings in ur own stride. i honestly do not know things on the inside.. only on the surface.. so i may write wrong stuff..

stay happy.! tell "her" to =)

and this 2 days .. i have been having weird, but realistic, and vivid dreams.. the earlier night tkrcy ppl were in my dreams.. notably yl and yf. its so damm vivid.

this morning i woke up to no clue of where i am.. this dream is even more.. it involved wingtai,yl,yi ping (LOL. weird rite.. i don even noe her well. and she appears in my dreams) and one other person.. is either cedric or manyan. haha.. its very weird dream ba. those who want to noe just talk to me.

tats all for now ba.. back to my last min work.!

Up

the only way a person can improve or advance, is by looking up and moving all the time.
thats true for me too. after all.. i have started from the bottom of the hill.. i am merely halfway through now. i have not reached the peak. i will move on. i will give myself motivation..

to all my dear friends: thanks alot for the motivation! i will turn them into my strength, and will deliver my best on saturday..

after i played bball yesterday.. it brought a faint smile from me.. the feeling of the wind beating against my body.. the movement of the ball.. haha.. just makes me feel great.. i love it.

today. after logging online. there is a smile on my face.. finally.
=)

somehow i can get along with my boss today.. weird? maybe the songs from the cd.. heard from a earpiece really helps.

i must train up. saturday is the date. pa is the stage. the space is my challenger. commanding is the game. my inner self is the opponent.

to everyone : all the best for fd COMP! be it planning, executing, competiting.. everyone work hard for the last stride to make tat day a good one!

No topic

oh well.. previous post gets deleted.. sian.. anyway.. i shall just retype again... today no topic.. but even if i put topic.. does it always relate to my posts..?

for all those reading my blog.. i suggest u don't read this post.. although i know u all will....
i have just too many thoughts jumbled in my mind now.. i do not know what to blog.. but i still need.. i just wanted to let it all out..

today after work.. told the 2 that i want to be out of ops by friday. one of them suggested to me to tell j koh a week in advance.. i understand tat they will need time to find a person to fill my post. i understand tat this is work afterall.. i understand tat i can't just leave like tat.. more impt. i understand.. i might tarnish the reputation of rcy..

BUT. BUt.. But... but.... i really cannot imagine myself staying in ops for one more week.. i am just counting the seconds now.. yeah.... and .. results probably gonna be released on monday.. and i have not even decided on my institution of choice.. wat course to take.. wat subject to take...
i understand tat i shd have already thought of it a long time ago... when i had time.. but i seriously did spend time tinking abt them.. but still i couldn't make a decision... so wat makes them think tat i can make a decision in hours when i couldn't even make one in a week..?
why can't they believe in me?

also.. i told them i wanted a full day leave on friday.. becos of saturday fd comp.. i need to prepare full u.. boots... beret.. and train my commanding skills.. when i told them i gonna command..

they gave me a very hurting reply..
one said "what? u command? i cannot visualise u as one.."
"sure or not? i don't tink u can command lor"

maybe wat they meant as a joke.. but one of them.. the tone.. is very piercing.. i was so hurt when i heard this...where's the trust in me.. i can't even find my own feet now.. my morale is super low now.. i noe tat i can't take other ppl comments too hard.. but if somebody say these words to u.. wat will u feel? i just feel so helpless now. i can't stand. i can't jump.. i can't get up...

i don't even have belief. and motivation in myself..
they oso can't believe that.. throughout my 4 yrs of sch.. its bball.. and sports.. and biking tat kept me from being sick.. but now.. office work.. since the tsunami ting started.. i had never been in the best of conditions.. i have been sick always.. and now i got this headache...

why can't they BELIEVE wat i say.. friends who know me.. will agree .. afterall.. i survived year camp without slping for more than 2 hrs... by playing bball alone.. i din drink any red bull or energy drink.. today is a rare occasion.. early dismissal.. so why can't i PLAY .. and break out.. with my bball.. i have been waiting to play bball......

my body is dying
my mind is suffocating.
pardon me.. for this very "self pitying" post.. but i just need to get them out of my head..
now. bball. just a little while.. to ease myself..


yh
Friends don worry for me.. once i can find that motivation and trust in myself.. i will stand once again.. don't worry for me.. its just another side of..

Aftermath

its like the aftermath of an eruption .. after an eruption... it will be just peace and serenity.. after yesterday i blogged on my sickening boss.. i felt so much better.. haha..

yesterday was dismissed at 7pm.. den went for fd comm briefing.. oh my.. marshalls have a so heavy workload.. haha.. but sounds great.. for experience building... and being me, i volunteered to be one of the four commanders for round A of fd comp. tat means.. i will be one of the vi commander tat will command the squads.. a minimum of 100 commands i will have to give.. the command sheet will be given on tat day for confidential purpose... oh my.. i really need to train up... becos 2 of the 3 commanders are zhai!

Tan Yi min.. Best commander for 2004 in national fd comp.. i am very intimidated by her commanding.. so loud and commanding...

Mok Yu Ching.. yuching sir. i haven heard him command b4... but from wat i heard from other sirs and ma'ams.. he is one super loud commander.. in fact the loudest guy commander! OH MY!..

i need to train! .. er.. but like no time.. have to prepare uniform, baret, work, o levels results.. tk training..... nvm. believe in myself.. and i will do it!


ok enuff abt the commotion abt fd comp.
got things to blog.
got thoughts to post.. but guess i shall do it later at nite..

forgot to say.. I AM EARLY FOR WORK TODAY!

...

DON'T READ UNLESS U WANT TO KNOW HOW ANGRY I AM..











I HATE OPS CENTER
I HATE YOU
I HATE JIMMY KOH
I HATE THAT HALF COLONEL

LAST TIME U SCOLD ME CAN... OF COS CAN.. GOT VALID REASON U OF COS CAN SCOLD ME.. BUT NOW U SCOLD ME.. GO JUMP LA. NO REASON SCOLD.. U TINK U ARE VERY BIG.. IF NOT FOR MY PAY.. I WOULD ALREADY BLASTED U BACK.. U TINK I ENJOY WORKING UNDER U.. I TELL U.. 3 MORE DAYS I WILL CELEBRATE LIAO. I WILL BE OUT OF OPS CENTER FOREVER. DAMM U.SCOLD ME WHILE U STILL CAN. SCOLD SOMEMORE.. I DON'T GIVE A DAMM.. AND IF U TINK U ARE TAT DAMM GOOD, COMPLAIN.. SEE WHO GETS THE BETTER OF WHO?

RED CROSS DON'T PAY U FOR NUTS MAN.. COME ON..UR PAY IS WAY HIGHER THAN THE PERM STAFF HERE.. AND U ARE COMPLAINING. SCOLD PPL MUST HAVE A REASON ONE LOR.. DIDN'T UR ARMY OFFICERS TEACH U THAT? WHERE'S THE REASONING? COME ON LAH.. U WANT TO FIGHT LEADERSHIP SKILLS.. RED CROSS VIS. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM ARE WAY BETTER THAN U.. U WANT TO FIGHT PRODUCTIVITY. GIVE ME A PROPOSAL AND I PROMISE U I WILL DO IT 1000000 TIMES BETTER THAN URS.

NOW SCRAM.

Bend

i just don't realise something eh? its so close to o level results... and i don feel a thing for it.

i mean.. only when my frens bring up the topic on future studies.. den only will i start to think abt wat i am gonna do...

oh well..

i'm so tired to blog now.. but i still think i wanna blog.. dunno why. there are just some thoughts in my mind i want to push out..

yesterday cut my hair. then after a while went to evelyn ma'am's farewell.. i dunno why.. the mood is just not there.. when we say goodbye.. there were absolutely no emotions involved.. its just like a casual bye when u see ur fren...

i am not close to evelyn ma'am.. maybe shd say i only noe her as a tkgs person, an ex tk vi for a short period.. and as a fd instructor...

6 yrs...
wow..
like wat i saw in a blog.. some words really bring me to think.. how many of us will be left to receive her when she comes back.... after such a long time.. how many of us will actually remain..

i dunno.. let time decide..

farewell again brought up another thought of mine.. maybe insignificant.. but it could be one of my future plans.. i had an depth conversation with a good buddy of mine not long ago.. abt 3 mths back..

i was telling him.. on one hand i would want to serve HQ as a vi for a long time.. on the other hand.. i want to go back to thailand.. and settle there for good.. maybe not for good.. but just to take singapore from my head for a while..

i miss my village.. i miss my grandma.. i miss my cousins.. i miss all the ppl there.. i miss the chickens.. the dogs.. the cats... i miss village life..

its been 7 or 6 yrs since the last time i gone back.. its like really a long long absence.. and last yr.. within 2 weeks.. i received news tat 2 of my uncles passed away... one is got infected by aids.. becos of a stupid needle.. the other one got accident.. tats so tragic..

i wished i had gone back with my mum last yr.. but time limited my plans..
i always had this mindset.. i want to make it out big in singapore.. then i will probably.. find sometime to settle down.. have a wife who shares the same thinking with me.. den we will earn enough money.. den will go to thailand to settle down.. den i will start to improve the hygiene over there.. so that nothing like the aids incident happens again...

but tats like such a fantasy thinkning... i doubt i can find anyone who will be willing to settle down with me in thailand.. maybe tat girl.. can just come with me to thailand for sometime.. and we either go back to singapore or some other place....

haha..
back to reality.. i was thinking.. after my ns.. shd i go to thailand and live there for sometime... becos i know tat by tat time.. my frens in red cross.. maybe only some will remain.. but most will be gone.. tats reality..

then perhaps i can take a break from this life..

on the other hand.. i really do not want to leave my frens behind.. even now.. i treat them as crowned jewels... hiaz.

this thought abt my hometown.. can wait ba. i have already decided and told my parents.. i want to go back this yr.. yeah.. if not i will go crazy one.. i miss life there!

perhaps these are typical thoughts of a so called "foreigner" . i am more of a singaporean.. but then. hahaa

ok la.. i have other thoughts.. but reserve them for later ba...


yh

What a day!

today was so fun. innovative. productive.. tiring!! oops.. haha.. tats wat i used to describe fd just now..

went to meet ys sir and yl early in morn, insisted on taking cab. (ys sir idea) den we take cab lor.. den reach there we are the earliest other than clarence..

evac accred was nice. gd. first time i fail. then 2nd time retake i finally passed.. haha. learnt lots of stuff.. pick a back from sitting position is hard. extremely difficult..!

haha..... after tat here cramp there cramp everywhere cramp.. den today i oso dunno why i keep laming around.. sir will ask some question, then i will silently mutter out something stupid. like.. this one during fd.. or rather after fd ..

jf sir: so what do you think what is footdrill
me: (mumbles) .. something tat can drill the floor
everyone: (bursts out in laughters)

another occasion..
jf sir: so what is sharp?
me: (softly) something tat has a pointed end
ppl around me: (arm chio) (controlled laughter)


hahaa.. anyway.. fd was damm fun...! learnt lots of tings! including.. akan melari chapalari (not sure of spelling) ....

of cos its tiring.. but then.. ! haha..

after tat went to su yin hse.. wow! nice scenery.. big hse.. wat more? sadly an accident caused all my fotos to be deleted... but then. oh well..

photos are there to serve as a reminder to our past memories

But precious memories will always remain pure and truthful to ourselves


haha.. yeah.. everyting changes, but beauty remains.. how true..


after tat listened to yc and manyan play piano.. they are so PRO!.. i love the music man... oh my.. i could easily find myself attracted to their music.. haha..

then after tat got a bad incident... shall not elaborate on it.. not very nice to mention it..

but just want to say something abt it..
I am but a mere human. I am nothing more but an ordinary person. I can't say i own the world. Neither can i admit that i am extraordinary. But, i would not like to be a superman. Because, there is a hero in each of us, and i know that there is a hero inside me as well. I don't need miracles. Neither do i need to believe in geniuses.. All i need you to know is that, i cannot offer anything but my blood, tears and body. What truly lies in myself is true friendship. It is so simple, yet significant. I don't wanna be anybody of greatness.. i just want you to know that you have brought out the hero in me. do not worry, i will be there. I will be doing my part as your friend...
that . i call is the true measure of a man..


ok. fast forward. then end up eating dinner.. food was great.. and got hit by hoards of softtoys... haha...her brother is so cute!

after tat went home.. and until now... haha..

anyway.. thanks yc for the cd! alot!.. so many songs.. i am not even thinking about downloading in the near future... thanks alot!.. haha


ok ba.. tink end for today liaoz...........

Randomisation

my whole head is just fully jammed with thoughts now.. jumbled up everywhere..

have to type fast b4 i am assigned another job.. yeah. today is a bz day for me in ops.. but nevertheless.. experience is piling up..

yesterday after work.. a certain ky just started saying tat ppl don like me (as in those type of don like the way u act, go abt doing tings) .. p2 said a casual remark too.. although what i tink tat is she wanted to make fun of me. i take these tings very seriously one.

but. on another note. i would like everyone to know. that i have 2 faces. and this is the way i am. u can try to change me.. but chances are. close to zero. there are only certain things in life that can change the way i feel, think... i hate to say this. although i say change is the only constant thing in life.. i prefer to stay the way i am now.. and for now. this quote comes to use

" I rather be disliked for the man i am, than to be liked for the man i am not"

yeah. if i am to be liked for someone i am not. then forget it. i rather be myself. i rather be authentic... why change myself to someone i dunno.. just to be liked? i can't do that. even though i constantly tolerate other ppl.. and say stupid jokes.. its to make other ppl laugh... i don mind. but i hate to be someone i dunno for the sake of being liked..

<------------------------------------------------------------------------------>


rather serious thought on top eh? ... after i typed tat... i forgotten entirely abt my other thoughts.. haha. oh yeah. evacuation yesterday. i was very serious abt it in the starting. but someone had to say something tat annoyed me.. so yah. i was back to the .. " hey theres a bannaa skin on the floor" or rather, "hey can we do a policeman's lift instead?"

i just want to pass my evac. but i guess.. nvm. i gotta train up my muscles.. keep cramping.

<------------------------------------------------------------------------------>

Somehow or rather, i still felt rather left out... as in. i can't just join in a grp .. and start crapping..
i have to wait for opportunities... and the memories of 2 yrs ago just struck me " you are just so BLUR!" yeah i can never forget that... and of cos ulc.

i am blur i admit. but hey. don't u tink i made a big change since ULC. i am not trying to be thick skin or wat. but just how many of u remember the yh of ULC. i offended andy sir, jf sir, law sir, vivian, jian xin, yvonne, rochelle ma'ams.. basically all the instructors inside?

but do u see me making those types of mistakes now. yes i do make mistakes now and then.. but frequency? don't u all feel tat.. on me alone.. it is very demanding and difficult.. just how many ppl in the world can suddenly change their lives.. without affecting much.. in a matter of 6 mths?
hai. perhaps i am too impulsive or sensitive. BUT. i just want ppl to know that i am ready. i want to be given a second chance. Give me the breakthrough i need. PLEASE..

what i mean of breakthrough.. isn abt posts or wat.. i just want ppl to start having a different view of me.. JUST don't tink tat i am the person of a yr ago....
tats enuff and more than sastified for me...

<------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

on a lighter note.. read tat fd spirit of TK has risen.. tats good.. i shall hop over to see them later....

<------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

Wishing on a dream that seems far off..
Hoping that it will come today..
Into the starlit night..
foolish dreamers turn their gaze..
waiting for the shooting star..

But, what if that star is not to come..
Will their dreams fade to nothing..
When the horizon darkens most..
we all need to believe there is hope..

Is there an angel watching closely over me..
Can there be a guiding light i've yet to see..
I know my heart should guide me but..
there's a hole within my soul

What will feel this emptiness inside of me..
Am i to be sastified without knowing..
i wish then for a chance to see..
now all i need...
desperately..
is my star to come..

Wind's nocturne.. lovely song. lovely lyrics.. lovely atmostphere.. i just remembered..when i watched the stars with yc and whale.. this is perhaps the song i feel most then... so right..
i will always think of this song when i see stars... haha .. yeah.... and my last note for today...

Will my star come..?

PISSED!

I AM SO PISSED! blogger was apparently down when i finished typing one entry... and i sent it. bloody hell.. and to think.. i spent some time on that thoughts.. haiz. forget it.. i will retype.. but i doubt i can

<------------------------------------------------------------------->


i love u for who you are. everything u do is a dream, a fantasy, to me. all i wanna do is hold your hands, look into your beautiful eyes, and tell u how much i love u. i would treasure u like no one would ever and to me, u would be the world's most precious jewel and i swear, no one loves u like i do. and there is no one who feels the way i feel abt u now. to me, you're the most beautiful girl on the face of this earth, and in this moment and time, if i ever have the opportunity, i would tell u i love you, truly, madly, and deeply. for every million stars in the universe, u shine brighter in my world than anyone of them can. u are the coloured picture in my world of black and white. you're the rainbow after the rain and if u take my hand, i'll lead u to a world where there's only the 2 of us, and we can be so free.

``JoSh`` 23.01.05

i wanna hold u, close and tight, never to lose you and for forever and everyday, u will be mine. i swear to the world, i love you. i will neevr hurt u, i will never break your heart. all i wanna do is be with u through all the ups and downs of life and hold your hand tightly and firmly, because the weight of the world cannot push us down, as long as i love you. i will bear all trials and tribulations, just to be with you, just to make you mine. for my love so true, i would never deny you. and hopefully you won't deny me. i give you my heart and you have all the power in the world, to fill it with love, or break it. cause, girl, can't u see, you're the one i love and i will treasure all the times and moments we shared, and the memories i keep fresh in my head till i die.

``JoSh`` 23.01.05

<------------------------------------------------------------------------->
lovely works frm josh rite...yeah.. joshie is one very talented friend of mine.. he can write those poems.. those thoughts.. and even songs.. very well.. i foresee him in the future as a writer.. haha.. joshie is gd!

for those who dunno who is joshie.. he is a friend of mine. more than tat actually.. he belongs to the "few" who has seen my serious side. yeah.. very rare tat anyone gets to see it.. count urself lucky or unlucky.. haha..

i'll never forget wat joshie did for me as a friend... the day he shook me up. when he removed my barrier to take the ball.. everytime i fall into depression.. he is the one who will really shake me real hard.. and stop telling me to self pity..

haha..z. he's really a great fren.. i dunno whether he still reads..but then. haha. look forward to work with u again josh. and of cos play bball...
joshie will always remain a motivational figure for me...

nothing much to blog yet ba..maybe later.

<----------------------------------------------------------->
Beastly thoughts of unfounding futures
Tearing into the heart of fragile glass
What is there left to feel
When the colours of red has turned grey

My tears do not bleed for the one i love. My tears flow for the one i care, worry and think about. I do not think about the way you look, the way your body moves. I only yearn for all your thoughts. That alone can mean so much to a dying feeling. The key to your heart i will never desire, for there are a thousand other ways i can enter. But i do not wish for that. What am i to be compared to but a piercing knife, if i enter your heart forcefully, without your consent. All i need is for you to open up, release your insecurities, and share with me your mind, heart and soul.
Then only, can we share one love together..

-yh- 1112 16/02/2005

just a weak attempt. haha. but i still like what i wrote.. a pity.. my original one got erased by blogger..

Past

I was so prompted to re read my past blog entries lor..
and i gladly did.. haha.. such silly times ya?

anyway.. don ever judge a book by its cover..
on surface.. the person u see may appear to be this way.. but u never noe wat lies beyond the person...

i am sure everyone of us.. has a dark secret.. and it is a very ugly side ... i admit mine too.. but luckily it doesn show up often..

haha.. last time blog.. i keep writing very poetic stuffs.. now not much liao.. guess i was very emotionally attached last time ba..

anyway.. reading blogs.. brought me memories of ULC again. yeah. again..

it seemed like.. its been such a long way i have gone liao...
from tat guy. tat guy who keeps getting scolded and caused his coursemates to run up run down.. to a vi today..haha

i guess.. change is the only thing constant in our life.. how true..
change is never challenged. yeah. we adapt to changes. we don challenge them. after all.. sometimes.. u won realise what is wrong unless u change ur pov...

i remember the days . wow... haha.. seems so far away now..
how i wish i had a blog since sec 1.. haha..

gonna write some stuff below.. those who don wish to read emotional stuff. i suggest u stop here.

<--------------------------------------------------->











Haiz. yeah. tat problem surfaced again. its just barely 3 mths.. and more and more ppl are leaving.. in the beginning.. everyone marvelled.. " this must be the best batch ever.. so united.. so strong" ..

now? everyone is talking about.. i guess. i will dissappear from red cross soon.. whatever happened to wat we said? wat we said abt rc life...

haiz. maybe we shdn blame them.. we shd understand their reason for leaving... in the start.. rc is meant to benefit u while u give ur passion for too.. but who is to like staying.. if rc brings pain to u instead... and with all those attempts of trying to break up the unity..

right now.. i just want to make the most out of everything i can.. even though.. in the future.. everything will start to disappear.. i hope tat.. friends.. will still be there.. after all.. now my greatest drive remains tat.

Friends you make me happy..
Bring sunshine to my life..
A light of hope you always are..
Standing by me near and far..
Lending me your shoulders..
When i need to cry..
Your part of..
My life friends..
Forever in my heart..

Your part of .. my life friends..
Forever in my heart..

Through the rain..

When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep crying out to be saved
But nobody comes and you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and
I make it through the rain

And when the rain blows,
as shadows grow close don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain
And I live once again
And I live one more day
And I can make it through the rain (Yes you can)
You will make it through the rain

--------------------------------------------------------
I was reading a friend's blog.. and just stumbled across some posts tat sounded so familiar to my last time one.. and i suddenly remembered this motivational song from mariah carey.. yeah.. everytime i feel tat the world is crashing down on me..

this will be the song tat pulls me up.. even now the tune is playing softly in my mind..

haha... actually i have nothing much to blog today.. just tat i had gained some experience regarding, invoices.. delievery.. collection of goods..

i had this bombastic experience of handling 240 HPs! yeah two hundred and forty of them! and some sets are really so cool.. but then again.. its not wat i owned...
haha..

wishful thinking..
i feel tat i am beginning to tide over ..
Go low..
come now.
stand up.
face it..

Pointless

I'm at one of bedok's lan shop now.. just now spent 3 hrs worth of money.. without knowing tat that other shop no msn and internet explorer.. stupid me..

i wasted lots of money nowadays.. i tink i better control liao.. if not next time when i really need money... yeah u noe wat.

i'm still tired. haa. just how many times have u heard me say this word liao. everytime u see me. its just the same excuses and reasons.. tired.. tired.. tired.. yeah. our dear mr lamer .. has finally succumbed to this virus called the T-Virus (Tired-Virus) ..

went for the chalet.. first day went there.. went for night biking with weiliang and yc.
its very fun lar.. i dint expect or believe much from myself.. at first.. i thought halfway through i would probably just be knocked out... but thanks to much motivation again.. i managed to pull through and reach explanade b4 ending up at lau pat sat for some heart to heart chat and drinks..

"After u cross each mile, just look up and tell yourself, i am closer to my goal.."

i always tell myself this. i just don't want to have the feeling of giving up.. giving up has never been in my life since 2 yrs ago.. if i say i want to do something, i will go all out and complete it...

even if every mile leaves my body and mind poisoned with fatigue, i will just thrust my body and soul one step forward.. and just tell myself... i'm getting closer to the end..

yeah.. and when we came back.. we took less time.. its so fast lor.. weiliang is the street pro. must salute him. he noes practically every road.. yeah.. but no thanks to my silly rented bike which creaked and creaked.. practically destroyed the atmosphere for them..

we went star gazing.. it was so omg lor... 5am 4am... the stars at a certain jetty in east coast.. the whole sky is just littered with stars....

i just kept silent. cos i suddenly had a thought..

i silently recalled how i watched the stars always... the stars are just like our friends.. they are always there in the sky... always there for u.. just tat sometimes u don see them... friends just shine and glow up my life... its simply.. wonderful..

and there will always be a lone star in the sky that stands out the most... its always hanging at the highest.. and shinning the brightest.. i call the star.. like my guardian angel.. my guardian angel is somewhere out there.. always caring for me.. just that i dunno.. i know some day.. that angel will lend me her wings to take off to the sky...

haa. fantasy? nah... its just my feeling..

the sunrise was great as well..haha.. the wonder and beauty of nature huh? we were really lucky tat day..

anyway..
i kept quiet for most of the times for the rest of the chalet.. maybe i am tired.. maybe its just the nostalgia which is coming back to me.. yeah.

nowadays.. i am just trying to find a way... right now.. i just noe.. maybe i am at a crossroad.. the path i have taken has probably came to a point where there are now distinct sidepaths to take...

i must make my decision soon.. which path to take. which new path i will embark on..

and yeah.. i don talk much in chalets afterall.. haha..

and finally .. HAFIZAH SHARES THE SAME BIRTHDAY AS ME! well i dint realise it. she dint realise it.. haha..

yeah.. and ky. u are finally 17.. haa.


Let me share the pain with you
Give me all the thoughts you have
Show me every worry you paint

And i will bring you to the end
To the end of everything...

Breath

ok. lets start where i ended.. hmm

tuesday rite.. yeah it was half day at work.. but still very tired. haha.. in the end, went out shopping for yl's clothes.. but ended up being a bad moment for me...

its like this.. my temper is very unpredictable.. it could be a soft and flowing one... like smooth lava to form shield volcanoes.. or it could be thick and viscous lava to form composite volcanoes.. oh.. wat crap. i am toking geog.. haa. but my temper is accumulation one.. when ppl anger me.. i won show the signs of being angry.. its only until.. tat anger keep piling up.. den i will burst.. in the case of tuesday.. i could say tat it was a very quiet one...

for the ppl who were with me.. don bother.. its just part and parcel of wat u will see in me if u noe me well enuff.. haha ya.. so next time.. just prepare for another eruption.. haha.. crap man..

ok.. after tat.. was CNY.. i dunno why.. but this yr cny is just so different!
i received lots of cnys msgs .. its like more than wat i have received for the past 16 yrs add together!.. haha... had fun collecting ang paos..oops.

on sat nite.. caught seoul raiders with my bro and his fren... its so damm NICE! haha.. so funny too.. i felt tat i could easily prefer seoul raiders than kf hustle.. haha.. next time must oso buy VCD!..

speaking bout cds.. i am sad to say tat i spent a sweeping $85.80 on cds alone in HMV on sat.. haha... but now tat money is back =).. and i am getting my pay on monday.. so who cares.. haha.. actually i care.. hhaaa

got phantom of the opera finally! its so damm nice! and i got jay's and fir's cds.. haha..

sunday.. nothing much happened.. i tink my alcohol limit just got expanded.. last yr i drank tat same grape wine and it immediately gave me headache.. this yr. i drank. and i din even feel hot! tats so amazing..

i going chalet this evening with my vip ppl..haha... hope it will be fun.. with the breeze.. the sea.. and the sand!...

although its cny.. there are ppl out there who don feel much of it.. i tink its becos its not they don want to enjoy it.. but they have personal reasons.. so i tink we shd just be more tactful ba..

and these few days i been trying to correct my posture.. for the sake tat now i am an instructor.. i have to lead by example ya? haha.... cos i feel my posture very slack.. hahaa.. maybe later i cannot make it for unit training.. cos my boss wants me to head down to stlogs to collect some stuffs... 240 handphones! OH MY! haha..

hmm.. nothing else liao? oh ya. just before i slept yesterday.. my dearest vice chair qt called! er at first i don recognise her voice. but after she said a very familiar line. haha... and OMG she is so bobo! she says stupid and lame things! hahaa.. shall not embarrass her out here.. i will have to admit shes lamer than me one day!..

ok tats all.. turn off the music. get back to slp.. its been a long time since the times...

Such a long time..
have i really gotten over it?

i think i have.
No.
i have.
i must have gotten over it..
but why am i missing the times..

Eternity

hahaa.. blogging again in office.. my cough is finally dying out.. but my qi chuan still theree.. the new mattress set and pillow and bolster my mum bought me is speeding my recovery.. haha.. it feel so comfortable lor.. every morning very reluctant to wake up.. hahaa.

i cannot rely on my inhaler too much.. if not become habit then my asthma will become worse. ya...

lala.. feel like writing more testimonials.. but then again.. kinda lazy =)...

gonna catch up soon.. cny will be here tml..so no blogging for 2 straight days! cos no work ma.. hahaha... lalala lalala...

actually i kinda miss the times too..
after reading van ma'am blog.. abt weishan ma'am blog.. which is quite some time back.. i read weishan ma'am blog again...

yeah.. i kinda miss the times..
what i miss is not her. but the times i spent with her.. yeah..
i do not need her in my life, neither does she need me in her life..
but i just miss the times with her.

haha.. yah.. i still find that line she quoted very nostalgic...

"what we missed is not them. what we missed are the times we spend with them."

its so damm true..

There's nothing like the past,
just memories down the trail
Keep sand from my sight
Water down my throat
Yet the memories keep haunting me..

Tired

haha. realised my previous post has been tiring tirng. tired. haaa.

anyway.. just for an update.. my bro downloaded funny.exe. and now my computer is down with the bvirus.. sian. tat means i cannot be online anymore.. u all won't see me online for a long , long time... haa.. except when i'm at work.. but tat won't be for long.. i miss chatting..


and my songs... gone. my msn conversation gone... my documents and files.. gone.. well everything is gone..

but this is an indication for me to start afresh. yeah.. so i will work towards a new beginning.. basically.. friday was a super bad day for me.. i got scolded by boss big time. spilled soft drink.. fell into a spiky plant.. and my terrible qi chuan and cough came back to me... can u believe how horrible it is.. yeah...

i am indeed feeling super tired nowadays.. hardly anytime to breathe easy.. my sickness has taken over my body.. my body hardly has the strength to push me through.. so i am like damm weak now.. yeah.. hopefully i can recover b4 cny...

i will like to thank the following ppl.. who has indeed sparked my moody life with the most gentle and comfortable rays of light..

ky - although he doesn noe my blog nor reads it.. and recently i had some diff thoughts abt him.. he always ask abt how i am feeling.. yeah.. even though most of the time i tell him don bother abt me.. he will keep returning and offer me himself.. i am touched by his sincerity.. yeah.. he will be a good friend .. i suppose.. well ppl have their own weakness.. so i assume tat his weakness will be one tat will be left untouched...

yc - she is one of the best frens i have made since joining red cross.. i dunno why.. but she just eludes a very comfortable feeling around her.. making everyone so happy.. she always tells me to take care.. but she ownself oso nvr go worry abt herself.. haha.. end up slping late all the time.. i really appreciate her concern for me despite her super heavy workload and schedule... yeah.. good frens we will always be..

sharlyn - although we don see each other often.. everytime vip meets.. she will always be the first person who will notice something wrong with me.. i think she is really a gentle person.haha.. maybe i consider promoting her.. oops.. yeah. way to go.. PA OF QQLC!

jocelyn - yeah. we are pisceans. but we are 2 completely different people.. most of the times, we disagree on wat we say.. and end up arguing.. ahaa.. but of cos.. she will always ask if i am feeling alright.. haa.. seems like everyone is so kind...

fiona oo - oo! oo! she is so fun to bully yet so fierce too.. i treat her as my bullying stick.. oops. i mean as someone to play with.. haha.. she shows care and concern for me everytime.. she is really fun and blur.. but yet. SHE PASSED FA TRAINERS!!.. so don underastimate her.. she has great ability too..

ys sir - ys sir although he is a sir. he everytime appears as a fren to me instead.. haa.. he can appear very easy to talk to.. and i am beginning to like him as a great sir and fren.. hahaa.. although nothing much related to my sickness.. but he has certainly cheered me up..

yh ma'am (yu hui) - haha.. same inititials as me.. yeah.. she really stunned me when she msged me on sat night.. i was really moved by wat she msg.. yeah.. ma'am.. don worry i'll be alright..

joan ma'am,ph sir, mizael sir, edwin sir, eusoff sir - these few sirs and ma'am.. has certainly taught me great stuff. they asked constantly if i am feeling alright.. i am very ... how to say.. haha.. eusoff sir even beared with me vommitting.. haa. felt so bad..

ok..tat was for saturday..
sunday when i woke up.. i kept thinking.. whether to go .. or not to go... in the end.. i told myself.. this will be the last time .. yeah.. i am gonna put my body on the line.. my mind will take over for this day.. nothing's gonna stop me.. since i promised tat i will pass silver accred.. i will not go back on my words.. i am glad i attended.. haa.. i certainly felt a sense of achievement even though i am not at my best.. due to my sickness.. but i was glad i had the will to complete it.. haha..

so long.. yeah.. it will be a long time b4 my next online... thank you guys..
i promise.. tat no matter how tiring it is.. i will return u all the favour.. i will be back myself.. where i can say .. " Let me tell u a joke..."

haa. its been tirng.. so let me take a rest for now.. haaha...

Its the joy of the world
that brings delight to the crowd
never have sadness occur..

its the joy of the world..
that unites everyone..
its the joy of the world..
that makes you breathe..

no matter how far it may seem to be..
i'll gladly carry the world on my shoulders..
if what i do is not what the world rejects..
i will gladly..
take another step..
another step..
one more time..
before i fall..
to bring joy to the world..

Words

wow. i am just amazed.. by myself.. just a few days ago.. i annouced that i was on the end of my urban hike from dhoby ghaut to bedok.. and now.. my whole body is so broken down. i can't even last beyond 12 am online.. yeah.. tats how weak i am now.. my mind oso don't even have the strength to overpower my body.. haz.. wats happening.. rapid ageing ba. haha..

i read from a website tat motivates ppl yesterday.. just meditate for 5 - 10 min everyday.. and in weeks.. u can feel the effect.. ur mind power will greatly improve.. i gonna try it out..

ever since the cough. actually, my body has been weakened. haa. i no longer has the strength i used to have. perhaps is oso due to too much food and office work.. yeah. hardly any excercise at all. hahaha..

when i climbed the staircase and escalator.. i can feel qi chuan liao.. so jialat.. haa.. i look forward to the days of playing bball from 8am to 6pm again.. riding bikes.. from 9pm to 11pm.. those days were so .. fun =)...

except tat those days, i did all of them mostly alone..
haha. but nowadays oso fun. cos i got some really great frens.. haa.

shall end here. today is p2 BDAE!.. i created lyrics for her
*to the tune of happy bdae*
Happy P2 to u!
Happy P2 to you!
Have a great and happy P2 day!!
Happy birthday to P2!!!!

haha..

Never say forever when you don't mean it
Never say you'll stay when you will leave
Never say you'll be by my side,
When you are miles away..

Never make promises when you will break them,
Never cheer me up when you don't mean to..
Never say you understand me..
When those words are just empty..

Never say you WILL.. when will seems a million years away..

Just leave me alone..
If you really care..

Perfect?

ok since now free.. might as well update ..

haha.. these few days are very $$ making.. i mdae over 100 +++ liao.. after 1 mth shd have close to 1k .. haha.. so fun..

i tink i'm not resting enuff.. i got down with respiratory probs again.. qi chuan.. but no asthma can liao.. hope it goes away soon.. if it doesn't go away.. gonna buy new inhaler.. if not drag until cannot donate blood.. haa..

actually.. my work considered slack compared to other frens.. they all all so late slp. haiz.

haaa. ok ah.. shall end here. nothing much to blog anyway...
actually is got.. but tat part will have to remain private. haha..

Different..
Just so different..
One with a promise
The other with a broken one..

One's convincing,
The other's sweetened..

One's just so perfect,
The other's endearing..

who do i trust?
who do i need?
who do i want?
who do i go to?

Just the other side of me..
in the abyss of neverending darkness..
nightfall..