No topic

oh well.. previous post gets deleted.. sian.. anyway.. i shall just retype again... today no topic.. but even if i put topic.. does it always relate to my posts..?

for all those reading my blog.. i suggest u don't read this post.. although i know u all will....
i have just too many thoughts jumbled in my mind now.. i do not know what to blog.. but i still need.. i just wanted to let it all out..

today after work.. told the 2 that i want to be out of ops by friday. one of them suggested to me to tell j koh a week in advance.. i understand tat they will need time to find a person to fill my post. i understand tat this is work afterall.. i understand tat i can't just leave like tat.. more impt. i understand.. i might tarnish the reputation of rcy..

BUT. BUt.. But... but.... i really cannot imagine myself staying in ops for one more week.. i am just counting the seconds now.. yeah.... and .. results probably gonna be released on monday.. and i have not even decided on my institution of choice.. wat course to take.. wat subject to take...
i understand tat i shd have already thought of it a long time ago... when i had time.. but i seriously did spend time tinking abt them.. but still i couldn't make a decision... so wat makes them think tat i can make a decision in hours when i couldn't even make one in a week..?
why can't they believe in me?

also.. i told them i wanted a full day leave on friday.. becos of saturday fd comp.. i need to prepare full u.. boots... beret.. and train my commanding skills.. when i told them i gonna command..

they gave me a very hurting reply..
one said "what? u command? i cannot visualise u as one.."
"sure or not? i don't tink u can command lor"

maybe wat they meant as a joke.. but one of them.. the tone.. is very piercing.. i was so hurt when i heard this...where's the trust in me.. i can't even find my own feet now.. my morale is super low now.. i noe tat i can't take other ppl comments too hard.. but if somebody say these words to u.. wat will u feel? i just feel so helpless now. i can't stand. i can't jump.. i can't get up...

i don't even have belief. and motivation in myself..
they oso can't believe that.. throughout my 4 yrs of sch.. its bball.. and sports.. and biking tat kept me from being sick.. but now.. office work.. since the tsunami ting started.. i had never been in the best of conditions.. i have been sick always.. and now i got this headache...

why can't they BELIEVE wat i say.. friends who know me.. will agree .. afterall.. i survived year camp without slping for more than 2 hrs... by playing bball alone.. i din drink any red bull or energy drink.. today is a rare occasion.. early dismissal.. so why can't i PLAY .. and break out.. with my bball.. i have been waiting to play bball......

my body is dying
my mind is suffocating.
pardon me.. for this very "self pitying" post.. but i just need to get them out of my head..
now. bball. just a little while.. to ease myself..


yh
Friends don worry for me.. once i can find that motivation and trust in myself.. i will stand once again.. don't worry for me.. its just another side of..