Looking back

Looking back, i rather think that my previous post, was all jumbled up..

guess that my thoughts were not arranged then.

yeah, i have a lot to blog.

but somehow, my thoughts are all mixed up.

so ya.

until i arrange my thoughts back... and something interesting happen which is unlikely since i am grounding myself at home..

i will be on a mini hiatus.

yeah.


y h

Thoughts

i feel so much like blogging now.. not exactly blogging.. rather. writing.

yesterday, went campsite, did some evacuation, watched some ndp stuff.
saw denise and said hi finally. LOL. i couldn recognise la. oops.

then first time did cradle carry without cramping which was good la..

i had a stomach ache from the morning.. applied medicated oil... it lasted...well..

played basketball.. had a good, small talk.

dinner at su yin hse. and then the darn ache came!

i was ren ren ren. haha. uno mental stress and piano music had helped me. but not for long. haha..

then as i took the bus home, i reflected on some thoughts...

i realised , or rather, other ppl around me realised that yong hock has diff frequencies afterall..

one moment he can be so lame. the other, he can be in solitude, silence, the next he could be angry...

so i wondered
with other frequencies .
izzit diff. or easy for me.
or
others to take it.
most impt,
how easy was it for me to tune back ...
it has been tough..
but i just thought abt it.
i know that tuning my frequency could be as easy as tuning a clock..
but could be as difficult as tuning a musical instrument..

it all depends on me.
whether i wanted to stay in that frequency..
or move on.

so that was abt it...


and another thought came to my mind..

i always wondered.. how much pain i can take.. before i finally fall.
i always thought abt it, during urban hikes.. training camps...
everytime i thought that it was the extreme i can go to.. my body always proved me wrong..

each time, my limit for pain was increased..

maybe there is really no limit for my pain barrier..
or maybe, i just couldn find it yet.


still got lots more to type...

but i guess. put it to the back of my mind..

and just do nothing now...


y h

Good Day

Its really a nice day today..
though its still yesterday-esque too..
didn do much.. but still spent money.. haha

i am so darn broke. oops.


i started the day by drawing , or rather redrawing the death knight.. really pleased how it went..

i think i have improved.. in terms of the lineart, and flow.
but also deproved.. in terms of shading.. but as i drew and drew.. now i think my shading is back afterall. =)

its really good training for my course later.. since it would require fine lineart, concentration, determination and rendering..

my day was completed.. with a msn conversation with my ex charlie mate.

its xinyu! she initiated the conver.
i still remembered the last time we met was in int. bazaar.. such a long time ago..

sadly, i am the only charlie VI. haiz.

i hope we can meet up sometime soon.. miss them lots.,

especially xinyu,debbie,kahyee and FREDDIE!

haha.
a very nice conversation with xin yu indeed.

i still remembered i admired her for the fact that she is so strong.. in ulc, she didn care whth shes a gal.. she just ate and ate!
to help finish the food!!

she din deserve to fail. but anyway.
i am quite happy for her.

ok, hope that she can find some good friends in her new sch now..

take care my friend! although u won be able to read it..

but i am sure messages from the heart, goes a thousand ways right?

haha


y h

Rythm of the soul

The night beats on shades of dull grey
Spirit comes and touches every moment
Of what is to be your eternal grave of music
The moon smiles and disappear beneath thick covers

You can feel the rythm of the soul
Dancing figures in emotionless tunes
Gyrating closely against motionless bodies
And you watched as your heart crawl away

Into the colourless rainbow.

crap.

actually just want to blog things out.
today had a yesterday-esque day. just that i returned 10 bucks to ysand spent 8 bucks on my own acct.

had a rather good read on a blog just now.

reflect my thoughts.

admist all the fun i had just now, copying others nicks. and playing.

what if i had to go off now.

will i miss the world.
will i bear to leave.
Or.
will i care to stay?

life's never simple.

but don take life too seriously too.

the moment u do that.

thats it.

U will just become as what i have written.

a body of a soul of rythmless music.

understand now?

life is life.
life never sucks.
neither does it rocks.

its just the way u deal with it.


y h

If you keep on taking,
my heart you'll be breaking so why do you do this to me?
You know how I'm feeling it's you
I believe in baby can't you see that I need you?

You know that it's true.
Every time I see your face I
miss you baby
You know that it's you.
I want to let you know you're driving me crazy.
I'd do anything to help you to see,
I don't think you understand what you're doing to me.

You know that it's true.
Every now and then I want to call you baby.
You know that it's you.
I say a prayer that you'll come back to me lady.
Oh yeah.
Life ain't anything alone can't you see you're an angel in my eyes,
everyday you're closer to me.


closer to me by five. i find it very catchy everytime.
and i think i am getting closer to myself soon.

i din spend a single cent today. so glad.
and i watched some more mtvs of old guang liang ping guang songs.. so nice!. i want hu si luan xiang on my com now..
a pity can't get limewire to work.. gonna hunt cd stores for their old cd..
their last song b4 they broke up , the title very dramatic.

" Bie Ren Dou Shuo Wo Men Hui Fen Kai " " other people said we will break up "
i really want all his songs.. or rather their songs.. hope i can get them soon..


y h

Beautiful death


the voices surround my senses,
they try to break through,
each word penetrates my defences,
im slowly becoming an insane fool.

all the words you have spoken,
they were like jagged daggers,
all the promises lay broken,
just like our pictures.

the world im living in,
is a shade of endless grey,
all i have is crumbling,
i don't want to live this everyday.

it isn't easy trying to hold on,
it hurts in every single way,
some things you won't treasure till its gone,
it wouldn't happen if i had my say.

blurry pictures fill up my mind,
memories that i once treasured before,
they replay and tears make me blind,
soon i would be in death's claw.

i take the knife from the drawer,
i hold it before my very eyes,
across my wrists i applyed pressure,
slowly appears the red lines.

so i lay on the floor of my room,
a toast to my health,
i anticipated my welcomed doom,
i bleed myself to death.


another beautiful piece by josh. its abt suicide. but its so beautiful the way he has written it.
i love the last part.

So i lay on the floor of my room,
a toast to my health,
i anticipated my welcomed doom,
i bleed myself to death.

so impactful. wow.

Destined
What's destined to be yours will be yours.
If u are not fated to own it, then it will never be yours.

Zhu Ding (Destined) by guang liang ping guang is super nice.
i love the way,
the music from the start..
I can really feel the music touching my heart.
and the way they sing it, plus the lyrics..
oh well.. i am just so much into guang liang nowadays.
afterall. he is my inspiration for music.
i appreciate his music. always so feeling.

today was the release of posting of schs.
some of my friends got into their desired schs and courses,
some did not.
but i send my best regards for them ba
for those who din do well.
don be disheartened,
instead take heed, and learn.
i am sure, u all will find something to enjoy in ur new institution with time to come.
and when u put ur heart and soul into doing things,
u will enjoy it.
and with enjoyment, comes satisfaction.. and achievement.
so don't ever.
don ever give up.

i was once. a failure.

in fact wanted to blog abt this for a very long time liao..
i have no natural talent.
my singing sucks. i really mean it. u can ask ppl around me. whenever they hear me sing, they will "shut up la!"

but i just love to sing =) . because, i think it can bring out my emotions..


i had no talent in studying.. in primary sch, its because i worked damm hard.. then can get into tkss, if not. i think i wouldn't have got in. and mine was borderline case.
up till sec 4, i realised my talent for studying was really limited to memorising work. which was not so much of studying. cause after that particular test, i will forget every single thing. like wats the use huh?


i am not a sports inclined person. although in primary sch, i was recognised for my soccer abilities.. they soon fade away.
i play basketball. but i never improved. my basketball is still lousiest amongst all my friends..

but i just love to play sports..
even though i am weak in them.

my art, was never good at all. in fact, the only good piece of art, was the fabric cloth that i made.. that was my only b3 piece. i still remembered clearly, in sec 1 , my caricature of a certain teacher, turned out to be a joke!
yet, i am deeply encouraged to draw. i did improve inititally. but that was so limited.
soon, i stopped at that level.. and deproved even.

I am not good in talking as well..
u can see me always stammer one.
i am still trying to improve at it though.
my lame jokes couldn make the grade too.


but i have this talent.
i have the talent, of freedom.
i do whatever i like,
i am deeply encouraged by everything around me.
i love, and enjoy the world.
i am not discouraged by my failures, and instead,
more inspired to climb back.
I can be a person, whom, at writing, can express himself very well.
I am a totally different person, in terms of face to face, and words.
words express me better.

and i have this other talent.
the talent of feeling loved,.
although sometimes, thoughts of jealousy, left out, ignorance comes into my mind,
most of the times, i felt loved.
i just love everyone and everything around me.
it just made my life better.

so ya.
follow ur heart, and u can achieve what u want to.


thats all i can say ba.
btw, i got into my first choice of interior architecture design in tp.
hope i really can get something from it.

y h

Relieved
I am just so relieved....
i been very anxious for the past few minutes.. or rather moments.

cause my mum would have been normally back at home by 11.30.. but today she was not. then especially
after watching grave of fireflies.. which i watched at yee long hse today..
i felt really scared.. this feeling is very very.. scary.

then, i checked outside.. only got one bike.. and its my dad's.
i was wondering where is my mother bike..
very very anxious...
then just checked my dad room..
mum was inside.. so ya.. sigh of relief...

phew...
i really wasn prepared for the worst...
especially.. after watching grave of fireflies...

that show is very very sad. u can just stick ur eyes onto the tv for the show.. and u can feel for it.
and for the whole show.. u can't just make noise.. even if u want to talk.. the show is restricting u to.
overall.

watch it. watch grave of fireflies.. its really meaningful.. and sad.
i dunno how to express it out.. only after u watched, then u will get it..
haiz.
such a sad show....

y h

I have seriously thought about it.

especially since reading so many other blogs.

i should move on. just move on. there are so many ppl encouraging me... but yet. why can't i push myself to do it.

and why can't i be able to tune back to my correct frequency. what is this that is holding back me?

i believe i can do it. i cannot just stay on the ground, and hurt everyone around me..

and, talking so dully.. looking so dully... stoning while ppl say lame jokes..

IS NOT ME


although i am out of QQLC. that doesn mean i can't be lame.

and.

i gonna find my way. even there is not a way to be found.. i will follow the correct way.

i can go the distance.

this is the time, i gonna channel all of my positive energy.. whatever that is left.. to push myself forward... and to forget the past.


y h

apparently

i still care after all. anyway. i am still a human. human has emotions. that doesn exclude mine too..

just that i can't show that care and concern out.


today my mission = complete a drawing finally.

---------
and.
i think i have made the decision.
i watched as the name card that i have made. dropped down to the depths of the bin.
and watch as i silently quit qq lame club
from what i have established. is now extinguished.
but simply is too dead. but i do hope that they will continue to stay bonded.. although now...

why is every sentence so brooded with sadness.
urgh.

Some of the worst.

Everything is just breaking up..
Everything that we have built together since the camp
is now crumbling to pieces.
maybe what ky says is true.
we do need sometime to avoid.


but after that, can we still be the same group of ppl..
who sang ..
friends u make me happy ..
together?

yesterday was a bad day. a super bad day.

my eruption had to come yesterday..
luckily it was a silent one to come.

but what way it was to come.
" i am not on the same frequency as u and **. "

and i walked away.

how can i say that to a girl

didn i swear not to hurt a girl's feeling since that incident in sec 2.
when i scolded my friend in public?
what is wrong?
even if i had to erupt. do i need to do that.
my frequency is totally different from grps of ppl now


i just feel damm bad now..
i am just so tactless.
haiz..
i wish to open up. i wish to be back at my old frequency. but
i just can't do it.
i feel that as if something is obstructing me.

my body doesn't move for what i do
my heart doesn't beat for what i feel
my mind doesn't work for what i think.
oh well.

despite all the negative stuff yesterday.. there was something positive.
i have managed to overcome everything yesterday night.
my 6th urban hike.
my 4th solo one.
i managed to reach bedok in just under 3 hours. from dhoby ghaut.
but i still think i could have done better.
cause i was too tired and exhuasted by the time i reached tanjong katong.
and too bloated with water.

everyone please ignore what i say nowadays. for what u noe. i might just be talking crap, and hurting u.

cause i really don mean what i say.
its just a part of me i can't erase these days...
and lastly.


sorry to all those i hurt.
although i know it doesn't cure.
but still. sorry

y h

good things apparently do not last eh?

after today morning incident.. i felt as if the wind has blown away one of my worry.. my fish had drifted into the other world quite peacefully..

i was getting into 2 nice msn conversations. until my com auto restarted itself.

and after i got online back,

both of them were offline.

and to think , that my last proper msn conversation was so long back....

Puddle of mud

It was just a normal day. Everything was fine. the clouds were in place, the wind had said hi. He sat down and heaved a sigh of relief. Then, he picked up his book..

and read...

The fish has finally gone. its the 2nd fish we had. and yes. it has finally succumbbed to an illness..
and has said goodbye to us. but what dramatic ending..

when i woke up, he was still alright.

after i went and bathe, it was a different story.
now i know why.

the fish had a deep affirnity with mum. he was just waiting for mum to come back from market.. and when she did come back, he jumped. and touch my mums hand. and seemed to said a last goodbye to her, before solemmly resting on the bed of his home.

there he goes. 3 odd years of love, pain, and despair.

i went and left him in peace at a canal near simei.

i said a quiet prayer b4 he left my hand. my hands just din felt like throwing him down. in fact, i was reluctant to carry him.

but anyway.

he has now gone.

what wind.

today the wind has accompanied him down....

I can sense the sadness in place in my mum's heart. but of coause. things will come to an end.
life will never be everlasting. all has to bow down to the time of death.

well.

hope my mum is well ..

ok. after tat took taxi to hq. then ate lunch, took taxi back to home for emergency purposes, realise i din bring my key.. had to trouble my father. dumb me.

then took taxi back. wat a wastage of money today on transport. close to 40 bucks. there goes my money.

then did nothing much. and just went back. forgot to say tat i dropped by at bras besah.

today, took 14 home again.

on the way, i visualised my fish floating down the canal. oh well.

oso, i looked at my reflection, and asked. " Is this me? "

i am on a totally different frequency nowadays. the worst was yesterday.

only certain ppl, will i open up and talk to. while. some ppl, i will just can't find the way to.

in fact, for some ppl i can't even look at their eyes.

and smile.


in the worst case scenario. the some ppl i can't communicate with now, are some of my better friends...

b4 this incident.

and some of the ppl i can communicate with, i don't hang out with them.


Yesterday, a question surfaced.

what if i remained in this frequency .. for a permanent basis? will i be able to survive?
I am sad for some reasons, yet i am happy sometimes.
I can't be the lame myself as usual nowadays. in fact, when i am asked to say something lame, i had to think deeply. i had to search my whole mind. and when a person say something lame.. i just can't laugh or smile..

neither will i cry.


y h

well.

just wanna rite something more..

i had a very long ride home just now.. i din sleep. i just kept looking out.

it brought me to remind myself of my urban hike from dhoby ghaut. my mind was exploring new routes to take, instead of the same old, bedok road. yesterday when i hiked from tkgs, it was just a time challenge.

but well.

anyway.

izzit because of the fact tat i am listless, tats why i tried to pile myself with all sorts of work, to keep my mind from straying away?

actually. listless = emotionless rite? not happy, nor sad.

however, today, in the bus, i actually shed some tear.

so.
am i actually depressed?
for wat?

i think i am just starting to tire out. and burn out.

ok.

i am not emotionless afterall. tats why i am pushing myself to do work, even though i know i can't produce wonderful pieces out of them.

so tat means i am sad.

afterall.

Yet another of those days..

just taking this quick opportunity to pour out my thoughts..

why is everything linked to that person?

its a puzzle in my heart unsolved. but.

today had another listless day.

i can't do wat i do, and enjoy it. was cutting out smth stuff for evac modular workshop.. i think i messed it up.. its so no q/c.. its so ugly. i can't even face it to present it. wat will dor ma'am say when she see wat i have done to the sheets. especially when i wasted 2 pieces, and finding excuses would.. be courting ur death.

photocopying oso. i made mistakes. but oh well..

just dunno which direction i am going nowadays.. can't settle down to enjoy wat i do.

suddenly , yu guo tian qing sounds so nice..

on the other hand, it is not as nice as well..

see? how contradicting and ironic.

After the rain , there must be sunshine right?
If you know how much it hurts,
then better treasure what you have
In love, some ppl will fall,
while some will become stronger..
Do you still love me?

Who says it must rain when the sky is dark..?


perhaps the only unlistless thing that i have done, is to control myself from tearing. i dunno why. i am not particulary sad, or happy.. neither am i emotionless. i just so felt . distinctly.. a tear in my eye as i walked away just now..

burnout.

i need to take a step back.

y h

Listless

today felt more listless than ever. these days are fast becoming fossilled. haha.

i am not undergoing depression. but yet i am not happy. how ironic.

today in the morn went to unpack hq storeroom. quite nothing. got a free container for my efforts.

Wo ai de ren

" the person i love is not my lover
every inch in her heart belongs to someone else
he is really lucky
so lucky that it has become so heartless
causing me to love while hate why his love is so deep..

the person i love, has a lover
Just from her eyes, tells me that i cannot be the one
everytime i hear breaks my promise
I only want to hear that loving someone has an end."


the last parts very hard to translate. so tink translate wrongly. haha. but its a nice song by chen xiao chun.

after tat, went to bbq. i din feel much things for it. but could see that my class mates changed alot. guys became more suave, gals more pretty, attitudes changed, characters changed, well.. tats time for u.

i heard this remark.

" yh u are still the same. "

really..?

and also

" at least your lameness can make us smile, not like some others."

haiz. my lameness can't bring smiles afterall.

my 2nd crush , was at the bbq, while an ongoing bbq just a table away, there was my fairytale of a yr ago.

wat a coincidence la.

but well.

i am not too bothered.

just felt tat i have not been commiting myself to things i do nowadays. even laming around.

for ur info : i only have 3 crushes. haha. one in primary 6, one in sec 1/2, one in post sec 4.

i need a break.

yeah.

So much

actually. i have alot of things to blog. but my com is restricting me. maybe tml if got extra time left, i can find some place better to blog. haha

anyway. yesterday was kind of good. haha. after comb training.. which i will blog more abt it next time. my parents for first time since pri 6 brought me to eat. and the bill was enormous! 73 bucks.. i was like wow? its like.. my 2 days of hard work. haha.

but anyway. e food was quite nice la. so .. ya could have no complaints.. just don like one attitude grp of eaters. they order so much, 2 whole crabs lor .. and 1 whole plate of mee.. plus lots more stuff.. and they order the waitresses around.. but in the end, waste food, waste stuff. very attitude look on their face.. come on.. don waste food can?

i was touched yesterday, when ys called me. haha. really surprised. haha... lots of greetings for this yr compared to last yr's none.

this yr was a marked improvement from last yr. but well. i treated today just like another day. i still appeared very listless.. been quite listless for quite a while liao. dunno why. can't commit myself to anything tat i do.

lots of strange thoughts in my mind ba. anyway. geralding is such a dangerous skater! she falls like dunno how many times!


ok la. today was an average day for me. but i love the company. its ppl around me that made my day..

and i would like to say..

A BIG THANK YOU!...

and lastly, b4 i end, i quote from the book i was given.

" Laugh and the world laugh with you."

y h

today was boring. boring.. boring... boring....

yeah. boring is the only word.

otherwise.. the good is tat sec 2e class outing is confirmed.. but then that day got tkgs campfire.. haiz.
anyway. i shall just go meet up with them at ard.. 4pm.. then go tkg campfire.. then leave at 8 pm ba.

my new template is by dada ma'am! but apparently blogger template edit is down.. i can't edit some stuff. sian.

just now had a rematch with the sec 2 guy whom challenged me last time. won the best of 5. quite wasteful actually.. won first set 7-3, second set 7-5.. then 3rd set was leading 6-2 then gave away the set.. he won the 4th set at 7-5.. but managed to win the series with 7-3.

so not tat bad la.

looking forward to my next bball match.. my area here now.. i still maintaining my streak. 4 matches. but haven met those pro pro players

otherwise.. boring marks my life.

BORING. BORING. BORING. haiz.

feel rather left out again.. but .. oh well.. i can have no complaints.

and. i made up my mind. shall just let that day pass by like just any ordinary day.. don be scared of it. or enthusiastic over it...

y h

testing.. testing.. testing

Dreamland

yeah. i still feeling dreamy. have been in a dreamy mood.. yesterday had 3 dreams . 3 set of dreams.. they were meant to be linked together.. except there are a lot of links missing in between..

the first dream -
its more like of a family thing.. i dreamt of all the vip 0305 ppl. but also included a scolding from a sir. an unexpected scolding from an unexpected sir. it was a chalet ba. a big one. and that dream ended with me passing the book to a girl (shall not reveal name, in case rumours get sprouting)

the 2nd dream -
its a very far cut from the first one. but somehow or rather, i got linked with that girl. and we sort of became very very close. it was a starry night. and the dream ended with her falling asleep..

the 3rd dream -
this was to be the last one. but strangely the most mysterious one.
it was an outing with vip 0305 ppl again. except tat we have grown. as in.. we look 3 or 4 yrs older. it was an apartment we all were in... then some decided to go home while some stayed in the apartment. there was this mysterious guy who got sort of hitched with that "girl".

after i sent the rest home after playing. i went back to the apartment . i saw everyone's expression. i saw everyone eyes. they were very normal. packing up and going liao. except when i saw "her" sitted on a chair. crying. and the guy came out of the shower. its a guy i never seen b4. so. its very mysterious. and the guy shouted at that girl.

and my dreams ended.

i find this set of dreams very mystifying. like trying to tell me something..
but.again.
i am still in a dreamy mood afterall..


today-
evac modular. i felt very tired and dreamy while teaching. weird. maybe still dreamy ba.
otherwise. not much today.. except tat at night.. yimin had this wild suggestion of getting all our batch ppl to wear PINK shirts. YES. PINK!.. and the girls happen to passed by this fila shop with a promotion.. and they all bought the samne shirt! PINK! . hahaha. and somehow or rather zaidi bought one pink polo tee as well. making me left out. in fact tat night, i felt very left out. but oh well. guess i was still in a dreamymode.

but the girls had to buy me this PINK polo tee that zaidi bought and demanded tat i wore it. DIAO! haha. so funny. first time in my life wear pink. ok la. haha. i appreciate tat.

and ky. thanks alot.

y h

Stay
Stay a little longer.
move a little closer
stay until u forget to live..
don tink my heart could take it..
everytime u go and break it..
the thought of losing u means losing me
when goodbye is too hard to say..
stay..
please stay...

Should i stay
Its hard..
holding u.. loving u..
losing u..
its sad to be true..
and be fooled by u..
i dunno...
i wanna noe..
should i stay .. or shd i go?

bored ppl blogs alot. oops. my fever getting worse.. sneezing non stop. using hankies like siao.
and recently i have not been able to slp.. at least takes an hour to flip here flip there.. then can fall aslp.. i'm missing something in my routine day..

urgh.
y h

Dreamy thoughts

yesterday
early morning wake up for fa duty for hougang pri sports day.. nothing much.. no major casualties.. just a stretch, cramp. tats all. but tat event make me realise the yo is from fengshan! haha. great. ever since i woke up, my eyes has been freaking red until the moment i slept.. haha.too tired eyes.

after tat went eat with the office junkies. tats all. nothing much. went to play pool with yl. damm sian. i was damm tired, no mood. and just played anyhow. sorry ah.

wait wait wait.. then post mortem. abit the forgotten.. but still remembered some vital points for feedback.. otherwise, it was a short and sweet one. went to have tau huey with the ppl. great again. carried walkies back.

then on the way p2 keep talking about "ghostly" sightings. i'm not tat terrified by wat she says. but by the look on her face. i just can't help but think that i saw her face somewhere b4.. and its not a human face. tat made me damm scared. damm scared. it was way b4 i got the fu shen fu. b4 i got tat, i could see .. erm. nothing much to elaborate. so i was glad to be safe at home last night.

ok. ba. today i think i wanna do some productive stuff.. shall not blog abt them in case i din manage to do them. ok ba.

shall stop here. i had some thoughts yesterday. but as u said. they were dreamythoughts. as my blog title suggest.. so ya. haha.

AND i look damm weird in my new specs! haha


y h

Reorganising my thoughts.

all jambled up, everywhere. like the game i played today with a couple of good squad mates. burnout 3 - takedown. cars everywhere. today when i played the game, i thought i would enjoy it the max. but i dint anyway. i had headache playing the game.. tat game is meant to relieve stress. so i guess i wasn stressed at all..

or maybe it was the 2nd knock on my head in a week. sunday i hit a modified STO on the bolster (oops.) and knock my head against the wall. today i went to get ice from the fridge, and knock my head on it. urgh. haha

adrenaline smashing game. how i wish i will be in that car. driving at near 200 miles per hour.. and just crashing my worries into nowhere..

tml fa duty at hougang. dunno whether up to it. oh well.....

the days becoming closer. sometimes i am happy for it. and sad at it. happy becos, i seemed to have made it sound like a missed day. for me at least. sad is .. actually i still wanna some good company on tat day.. oh well. since.
nvm.
i tink its better this way =)

y h

quite true ba. the ones in bold is true

Pisces
Your positive traits:

You're very tuned into your lover's feelings - and always doing something caring.
Sweetness - you're the most romantic person your parnter has ever met. (i do not know)
You get easily swept away and are a total delight to fall in love with.

Your negative traits:

You are super duper sensitive and find it hard to get out of a sad mood. (Not anymore.)
It's difficult for you to tell your sweetie no, even when you should.
You often tell your partner what they want to hear, instead of being honest.

Your ideal partner:

Is straight from a fairy tale - the man or woman of your dreams
Is a total romantic, with an artistic or creative side (Maybe.)
Loves to express their love to you, in all sorts of unique ways

Your dating style:
Dreamy. You like traditional romantic dates, like picnics in the park and candlelight dinners.

Your seduction style:

Fearless - you try what your parnter suggests, no matter how unusual.
Loving. You'll take your pleasure second, if necessary.
Internal. A lot of your enjoyment takes place within your head.

Tips for the future:

Be more realistic. Your romantic ideal is nice, but it may just not happen.
Let go of your fear of rejection - it's holding you back from being with your true love.
Open yourself up to a new love. The person you think you want make not be the one..

Cross of faith

Today was a very very slacking day for me. woke up at 9+ .. only had brunch at 12 past. cough here, sneeze there, everytime i cough or sneeze, i will have abdomen pains! urgh. muscle.

then use lotsa hankerchiefs. very very xing ku. but. well. my previous cough was way worse than this. so couldn complain. listen song whole day. did nothing much. very sian

haha. this is such a nice post!

everywhere i go i see 15 of march. i dunno why. why is everyone talking abt 15 of march? robinson company in orchard i passed by. reopening at 15 of march. shop in beautyworld closing on 15 march. junior bdae 15 march. hafizah bdae 15 march. presents for hafizah 15 march! ..

15 of march is like become an important date..
well.
it is important to me as well.
but.
i can't face it like i used to do.
ever since last yr.
but i was glad my dad was touched me last yr.. wake up earlier than usual to give me ang pao.. it is the first time he ever did that. i am deeply touched by tat.

otherwise. 15 of march 2004 is not a day to be remembered.
oh well.
i still remember the rain on that day. the monotonous reply sms.
and the tears.

Anyway.. the wind was beside me just now. i love it.. haha.. with the kitten for company.. i feel tat that moment sparked my day.. thanks wind!

y h

Subway of broken hearts

i just wanna blog, becos i feel ill.
haha.
funny reason.
the cold, sneeze and flu is making me feel weak..

maybe i have been exposed to heat and water too much of a late.

shall take a rest.


i love the wind. just the feeling of the wind. everyday i pray for the wind to be against me, blowing against my body. making my pressence felt.

today, i felt the wind come and go.
go.
away.


sick. rest.

Slack

life after work, is like so empty. cos others have sch.. then cannot go out.. even want go out oso no $$.. i hope my boss did remember to help me get my pay.. if not..

hai.

hopefully ba

i dunno wat to blog nowadays.

ok, i bought an old guang liang pin guang cd today. for 9 bucks.. got some quite nice songs. haha..

library don have my books again!..

i really gonna spend some $$ on books after i get my pay (hopefully)

otherwise. today is a plain day, went to hq in the morn for my plans, failed anyway. had sometime at the pool.. dinner was cancelled. so wat more can i say?

haha.

oh well.

i need inspiration.

hopefully, i can make the best out of it when it comes.
constantly, i have been pressurised to take it.
but i dunno if i can do it.
the let down of last yr
the disappointment.
the feeling of aiming high, and dropping so low.
i rather.
have no hopes at all.
at least i won fall, or fly.
pls.
pray that i can last through that day.

y h

Leftovers

i shall type quickly.. since this com. oso something spoil.. yesterday was evac modular workshop.. actually i din expect myself to be inside evac .. afterall.. in my cadet life.. i took bronze 4 times to pass.. haha. actually told huda ma'am that i will understudy only.. but in the end end up as an instructor..

but i don regret it.. cos in the end.. i gained something from it =) .. haha
i feel very accomplished as its the first time i am teaching evacuation in my life.. but it was satisfying as well.. i love it.
and my day was ended with a nice msg. =)

after evac, we went out and have fun. all the vip 05s who came. haha. i was very lame. as i wanted to add to the mood. basically i was crapping around la. tat is until i was sort of. haha. ok. i will be mindful the next time when laming around.. sorry if i hurt anybody.. sorry ah..

as i said.. i am here to bring joy to the world .. nothing else... haha.. hope everyone smiles.. although i know its not entirely possible.. but.
i will never give up..

ok.

everyday is nearing to my grave.
oops. not grave.
but. hai. the fear of the day is getting increasingly bigger..
i fear that day to come. i fear to be moody on that day.. i don want that day to come..
but all the more... that day has to come..
last yr i went in with high expectations..
but.

Deep Thoughts

i am beginning to have a very deep thought abt this. somehow i find ky thinkin on some points, right, while on some points wrong.

he reminds me deeply of the me in sec 3 and 2. very very alike.

Why do we so hard for? why do we have to slog it out? thats wat he says.

actually, from the beginning, there has to be a reason why we joined. the reason of friends, are not the main reason. friends are perhaps a very important reason after we joined, but somehow, most of the times, we are misguided and tend to forget our main reason in joining.

for me, i joined because of my wish. since primary 3 that incident, i always pictured myself as a future instructor. and i did.

now, my reason for staying is further motivated. i openly admit tat i don't like the system. but can i do anything abt it? no. Singapore is said to be a state of "freedom of speech" , but those are just for presentation purposes. only when u get authority, then u will have the key to locked doors. of cos now, i don have the power. i don have the authority. but every story has a beginning and an ending. in the starting, i would have to work hard, do sai gang. why? is because, i will eventually rise through the ranks, voice my opinions, and finally make decisions. for the future, i will work hard. i won't let my desire and ambition down.

I know his most important factor in bringing him down is his recent incident with -- (for privacy, shall not disclose name). i know it hurts alot. i been through it to. often, the beginning is the most piercing period. you will start to get swayed by your emotions easily, and everything just affects you. my advice was to give himself a month or 2, he hasn't understood, what "some time" means. i can't blame him. i was like tat in sec 2.

wj and me were good friends back then in sec 2. everyday play and talk with each other. until one day. the emails she used to be sending, suddenly disappeared. the msn conversation we had dissipated. we see each other online. but never opened a msn window to chat with one another. even to ask questions. in school, we avoid one another.

if u tink that is very hurting enough, what about this thing, going on for 7 months?
yes, only after 7mths, then she sent a forwarded mail to me. and we are friends again. although won't be that close, but at least, hey. we are friends!

so ky, if you are reading this, i understand that it is a very painful period for u. but. HOLD ON. don't fall off the ship. cos if u fall, it will be a long time before u can reach the shore..

ky, you must pull through. no matter what, everyday is an obstacle for us. its just part and parcel of the learning journey. we learn everyday.

if u have nobody to turn to, then i would say that its not true. i don't like people saying that. its ok if u say the person you want to turn to is unavailable. but hey. ur friends are here! so don't ever say, nobody to turn to.

i admit, that i don turn to anybody. but neither will i say i have nobody to turn to. i could relate to my friends easily. but i don't want to. i turn to my basketball and bike.

so ya. all the best. its not going to be easy, but learn, and be strong, bro.

a quote from yc's friendster last time
" life is fair, its only that some people fail to see what they have gained from their losses."

i find this line super true and motivational. afterall.. we are not always losing. we are gaining something at the same time...


y h


today is 4th march.. submitted my jae.. 11 more days. i don't seem to be bothered. after all.. its just another day in my life.. however hard it is to brighten the dim lights around me nowadays, i will not give up. hope and faith will pay through

Closer to liberty

its weird isnt it.. tml is my last day at work.. on one hand, i am relishing it. yet on the other, i can't let go?

haha. i guess that we only tend to treasure things when they are on the verge of being released.

moe server sux! cannot get in one!
oh well..

my sch hit the headlines today. 48 fail english. but how could it have been possible. last yr 1 failure only sia. then this yr. so bad results for english alone!

today had a long talk on msn with ky. i will blog more on that tml morning..

yesterday had the chance to play bball with a new person. though we were tired, still could chit chat. haha. the match ended without a result. 6-3 to my advantage. hes going nyp for nursing. i really hope to end that match with him and make frens. but .. now. i tink i will be most prob heading to tp ba.

tiring day. blog more tml.

Wednesday

sometimes i just can't help but wonder. just how often do i actually drop tears for my friends. its rare. i just realised it.

later wanna clarify some singpass stuff.. hmm. they seem alot better already.. tats good ba.

yesterday ate supper with jeromy, aaron, and 2 of their friends. how time flies... time can change ppl totally.. we talked abt how to chase that particular girl ro had in mind.. they smoke. er. i am actually quite surprised tat aaron did smoke. but pray for them that they kick the habit ba. smoking is not good. but it does seem tat ro and aaron can control.

which brings me to this point.. why is it so easy to buy cigarrettes!!?? i mean the auntie come, take our orders, then just say "menthol light" then here u go, one packet of cigarattes for underaged!?

nvm. now i realise reality. no wonder more and more teens are smoking..

i have nothing much to blog really. but just want to translate tong hua to english.. i'll try. but its really a damm nice song..

Its been some time now..
Since i last met you..
the times when you will tell me your favourite story..

i thought for a long time,
started to worry..
thinking whether i have done any wrong?

crying towards my arms..
you told me that fairytales ain't real..
i can never be your prince..
perhaps you may not know..
since the moment you said of your love for me..
all my stars have been shining my life..

I wish to be the angel in your every fairytale..
Spreading my arms, to be wings to protect you
You must have faith,
believe that we will have a fairytale ending..
where happiness is our only ending..

I want to be the angel in your every fairytale..

I will be the angel in your every fairytale...
Spreading my arms, to be wings to protect you
You must have faith,
believe that we will have a fairytale ending,
Where happiness is our only ending..
Lets write our ending together...

my eyes are tired. my mind needs a rest. my body wants to sleep.

later think will have a nice night supper. meeting my bro jeromy. been so long since we ate.

y h

is it true, tat the harder u try , the heavier u fall?

i just can't do it. i just can't. to cheer a person up, i myself must be happy.. but i can't. i can't......
hai. i cried . instead of laughing. instead of talking, i cried. wats wrong.

i got tied down by my emotions. again. instead of showing them the way. i am pushing them back..

WAT IS WRONG?

hai

March

Rain shuts itself away from the world
weary men not a thousand
writings never be motivated
art itself too far gone
only fatigue rules the stage

One prose too a many
poetic rhymes it matters not
Only the weak will understand
or the weak in the strong

What for if words cannot cheer
do i still write such words with angst
Tried too much, got too little
a mind decided clear,
the man shall not endure
he shall let his writings die
die in the halls of eternal damnation


i decided. since.. even however hard i tried.. to write. to cheer. to motivate. it can never be as true as a true touch to the soul. what i write, has no rhythm and flow, nor does it has energy to reach the hearts of many. i can never be a good motivator, a best friend, or a ear.

until i can find that energy, never shall i write again.
what for if my words cannot bring joy..
will i still have a meaning in writing poetic stuff..
from then on. till the future permits me.. i shall stop writing such stuff..


yh


-afterthoughts- i prefer ppl not to read the below though

its march 1. my bdae is oso coming. i am turning 17 officially on the 15 soon.. but i don't feel anywhere near my maturity.. neither do i feel the excitment for my birthday. 15 will either be a fun and exciting day for me, or it will be like last yr.. when only 3 ppl remembered my bdae. my mum, dad and josh. i still remembered the only gift i received. a hashbrown which i gave away. but i don't mind.. at least, there are still ppl who remembered my bdae last yr. this yr, i rather ppl forget it though. simply no mood to celebrate..

my birthday wish is for yc and ys to be back themselves again.. the cheerful and suaning yc, the bright side of sunshine after rain.. the always mischievious ys.. the ys who will always laugh..

tats all i ask of u. my guardian angel...

and i cried upon saying these words...