long, long..

yeah. i think i can now blog with my thoughts.

along long long post for this one ba.

i shall just transfer from a piece of paper i written my thoughts on for the first part..
it was my feelings at that time, but after writing it out, i felt much more better...


Dear diary,

I am writing to you because i feel so out of place. I just feel that my shadow is shrinking and that just so much express the person who owns that shadow.

Financially disturbed, spiritually distuyrbed.
What a way to go.

I know sometimes i can be really irritating. I know it.

But.
I don't do it for fun.
Yes i tried. But each time i failed and start complaining to you, diary.
Can't i geniuely try to change. Or could it be just me?

I was handed tasks to do, yet here i am trying to think of excuses to wriggle my way out.
Whats so difficult of picking up the phone and calling a single person? Whats so diffucult of collating lists.
And why do i play games instead of doing work.

I feel so out of place.
Everyday lying on the bed
Doing nothing abt my errors.

Drawing wise,
I also bothered to stuck myself with critiques.
Why can't i use them to motivate myself rather than just stay home and cry foul.

Today supposed to collect uniform and yet i forgot? And moments before weiliang called, i was still playing games. This is not right yh.
You are just trying to go back to the cadet you.
I am sure you don't want to be what you were. but why are you still?

Unrepentable.


Why can't I.
i hope my pay comes soon.
such a long time.
really long.
i need to pay some money.
and i dare not ask mum for it.
i know she will kill me.
i feel really disturbed now.


I block the msg above out, because i don want to read the msg always.. of cos readers are free to read it, but don ask me abt it, cause i got over most of it le..

i had a very in depth talk with my friend over another friend. but i was glad that she said this line at the end when we left.

" yh, thanks for that little talk. i will think abt it. "
"no prob. "

i feel very much relieved now, now that i have done what i should have done. its a very long story.. and maybe i will blog some other time.

yesterday was fa duty.
it was very monotonus day...
the time was moving like as it were prehistoric time.. and everything seems so ancient to me.. especially first part of the day..
the lorry ride.. the scout campsite.. everything just reminds me of my hometown..
suddenly at that point.
i felt damm homesick.
but i liked the feeling of just living without worries at that point..

i saw ppl, from diff uniform grps, talking to each other happily.. everyone just so much contented with each other...

suddenly my thoughts has freezed.
so ya.
till the next time.


haha.
i smiled and frowned.


y h