Solitude

Good evening blog,

I am sorry i need to write to you again, but, again i am stuck in solitude.

I just came back from Marina Bay Steam boat outing with the red cross people. Honestly, i did not plan to go there.

However, in the end, factors arising contributed to me going there.

I had a full blooded quarrel/fight with my brother, my mother sandwiched between there.

As they said, a spark would get the fire going, a single fault would resuscitate a dormant volcano.

I had just came back from Logistics Committee meeting, and proceeded to use the computer.

My mum had told me she bought lunch for me, but as i have eaten, i told her i will save it for dinner, therefore hinting that i will not be going for the steamboat. I saw a packet of Old Chang Kee food beside the lunch, there were 2 additional small packets within. I needed a snack, and my mum had always bought old chang kee curry puffs home occasionally.

So, i went to get one of the small packets, assuming the other packet is also a curry puff.

Fate has it that that curry puff belonged to my brother, and i was clueless.

He returned home soon after, screamed around the house sarcastically,

"Next time put my stuff other place, everytime my stuff get eaten one" (in chinese)

I always hated people who are not direct, and i raged up, and screamed back at him. He too.

Then, i did the unthinkable.

I initiated a fight.

My mum was desperately trying to stop both of us, but it will not work.

His argument: I always use the computer for very long time, thus limiting his usage. I always eat his food without permission.

Soon, i started shouting vulgarities, and he hit back with a kick, i threw back punches. After that, we went to settle things in the living room.

My temper rose even more when he said i always ask mother for money.

I immediately hit back,

"My grades good wat, no choice. Better than you, go tuition in primary school, halfway quit."

After that, we continued the verbal spat.

I took a bit of time to realise i needed to calm down.

I started to reason back.

Its true that i use the computer for a very long time. BUT, he got the concept wrong here.

I wake up at 2pm plus everyday.

I use computer at 3pm.

He will come home.

I use until 7pm. Thats the average. one or two times i will overshot. A few times i will use until five plus like that.

I will close computer, telling all my friends, that i want to let my brother use the computer.

I did tell my mum before, if he wants to use computer, let me know, and i will let him use right away.

The problem with him and me.

Is that we do not communicate.

It is a problem since young that did not get rectified. In my deepest memory, i knew it was an incident that caused the miscommunication between us.

I know i was at fault then.

I know i am.

I know i am still at fault.

Since that day, we never spoke.

I wanted to improve myself. So i joined red cross. I wanted to be a leader.

Of all the problems i solved as a leader, i ultimately never solved one. Or even attempt.

My brother.

My mother ask her god why this 2 brothers do not talk, do not play with each other.

I do not know if my brother thinks this way, but.

I do feel that way. I was asking... myself.

Why? Why does it have to turn out this way. Can't anything be done?

Or is it too late, too little?

I blogged last time, perhaps when we grow up, we will understand each other.

How damn wrong was I.

The situation hit the roof today.

I only get money to eat. which is $10 given by my mum to my brother and me everyday. Apart from that, i only take money to top up card, buy materials in school. I explained to him that each of my mock up and final models cost over $100. I only ask for money when i desperately need it.

Even my phone, i paid for myself without using plan. My presentation board. $20 a piece. 4 pieces for last presentation.

I even let my mum use my plan to upgrade her phone. Something that i haven even done myself.

Why don't i work? I am working in fact.

I joined the competition for marina bayfront bridge artwork design.

That means 1 month of my holidays were taken up. The other half? I used it to help out for orientation and Red Cross.

I get envious of him at times. Yes.

He has a lot of trophies in his cabinet. I only have a small red cross plaque from secondary school, badges, and ranks to show off.

He was born with the features of my mum, a pretty boy at sight. Yet, i inheritted my father's features. He could get a girlfriend easily with his look. I cannot.

Its true, inner beauty is of more important. But, most people will look at the outside before venturing in.

I do not get new clothes or shoes. I save my money for materials. and for my own leisure last time in terms of dota ing.

Now i have bought my own Frozen Throne CD and saved more money.

I am still inferior to him in terms of physical appearance.

But, i appreciate myself for that. I love myself.

I love myself for being able to help out those in need when i needed to. I love myself for abling to push an elderly up the slope while my friends merely watched.

I loved myself as the stubborn or strong character i put up. I love myself for the fact that all of my friends drank to celebrate, yet i didnt because i knew if everyone drank, whos gonna take care of the people.

I loved myself for the love i give to a single person i liked and only her.

I love myself for myself.

I love myself for degrading myself to entertain people.

I want to bring love to this world, even at the extent of sacrificing myself to appear foolish.

I love myself for crying at ease, for being so emotional like now.

Most of all, i hate myself for being so weak.

So what if i could manage things outside of my home.

I couldn't even make friends with my brother.

So what if i have endless groups of friends outside. So what if Lots of people knew me.

I CANNOT EVEN CONTROL MY OWN HOME.


i am weak afterall.



I cannot think of anything more to write...

i will probably need you more in the future, blog.

Thank you..

Tranquility

2 days ago, while waiting for my friend in the heart of bedok interchange,

i took the chance to sit amongst the heartlanders.

Kids riding motorised cars and bikes around the once used-to-be lively fountain.

Now, it has already been swarmed by cockroaches in the dark.

As i sat and stare into empty space, my mind was surprisingly at home.

I knew that i felt safe, i felt comfortable, even though i was just doing nothing



I have lived in Bedok for 18 years now. Singapore for 18 years now.

When i have to live overseas next time, will i still feel comfortable?

Will i still have the word home in my heart?

Time will answer these questions.

On a side note, i realised that when you blogged about heart troubling matters, it means you are losing more outlets to release your steam.

Afterall, your blog is your friend. But, he is your last and most non existent one.

Only when i have no one around to share my troubles with, then will i trouble this loyal friend of mine.

Thanks!


y h

Dead zombie typing

ok a few hours ago just came back from camp.

surprise surprise its not a red cross camp.

yeah its the dotc, design orientation training camp... its to train the gls, sub comms, and main comms ppl to prepare ourselves for the real thing on 18april.

while i disagree with some opinions and leadership qualities shown by the main comm ppl, i have to certainly applaud them for putting much effort into this camp.

My analysis:

The main comm is made up of a nerve system that once a part of the system gets hit, the whole systems reacts.

in case u are confused by wat i said,
simply put, lets say the chairman says something, most of the members will agree with his actions. in any other words, they fear him.

However, although some of his actions deemed right for the situation, there were several others that outweigh them. Including singling out ppl who violate rules.

That is something Leaders CANNOT do.

Its humiliating by nature. I learnt from my life in red cross.

It will be good if i can apply.. but i am not tat keen to take on leadership and stare in its eye now.

Leadership requires responsibilies of the highest, respect, authority, decision making, calmness and utmost concentration.

I am unable to satisfy alot of the criterias now..

I think its better for me to stay at the back now, until i find tat i shd go out up front.


y h

Chords of the silent night


你真的忘得了你的初恋情人吗
假如有一天
你遇到了跟他长得一模一样的人
他真的就是他吗还有可能吗
这是命运的宽容还是
另一次不怀好意的玩笑
如果这最后的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
如果重逢也无法继续失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在
也同样落的不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认
你是我不该爱的人

如果再见是为了再分
失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生
拿什么作证
从未想过爱一个人
需要那么残忍才证明爱的深
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认
你是我爱错了的人

This song is by Jeff Chang, one of his old yet not so old songs.

I wonder if the night has some effect on my music player.

Everytime it reaches a solemn mood or night time, my player seems to play slow and emotional songs.

Right now all the Guang Liang songs are on air.

Anyway, i want to blog soon about myself.

What i think about me as a person, a friend and a rival.
What i have to do to improve, or habits i need to quit.

Right now, just let me bask in the flow of the music =)