Solitude

Good evening blog,

I am sorry i need to write to you again, but, again i am stuck in solitude.

I just came back from Marina Bay Steam boat outing with the red cross people. Honestly, i did not plan to go there.

However, in the end, factors arising contributed to me going there.

I had a full blooded quarrel/fight with my brother, my mother sandwiched between there.

As they said, a spark would get the fire going, a single fault would resuscitate a dormant volcano.

I had just came back from Logistics Committee meeting, and proceeded to use the computer.

My mum had told me she bought lunch for me, but as i have eaten, i told her i will save it for dinner, therefore hinting that i will not be going for the steamboat. I saw a packet of Old Chang Kee food beside the lunch, there were 2 additional small packets within. I needed a snack, and my mum had always bought old chang kee curry puffs home occasionally.

So, i went to get one of the small packets, assuming the other packet is also a curry puff.

Fate has it that that curry puff belonged to my brother, and i was clueless.

He returned home soon after, screamed around the house sarcastically,

"Next time put my stuff other place, everytime my stuff get eaten one" (in chinese)

I always hated people who are not direct, and i raged up, and screamed back at him. He too.

Then, i did the unthinkable.

I initiated a fight.

My mum was desperately trying to stop both of us, but it will not work.

His argument: I always use the computer for very long time, thus limiting his usage. I always eat his food without permission.

Soon, i started shouting vulgarities, and he hit back with a kick, i threw back punches. After that, we went to settle things in the living room.

My temper rose even more when he said i always ask mother for money.

I immediately hit back,

"My grades good wat, no choice. Better than you, go tuition in primary school, halfway quit."

After that, we continued the verbal spat.

I took a bit of time to realise i needed to calm down.

I started to reason back.

Its true that i use the computer for a very long time. BUT, he got the concept wrong here.

I wake up at 2pm plus everyday.

I use computer at 3pm.

He will come home.

I use until 7pm. Thats the average. one or two times i will overshot. A few times i will use until five plus like that.

I will close computer, telling all my friends, that i want to let my brother use the computer.

I did tell my mum before, if he wants to use computer, let me know, and i will let him use right away.

The problem with him and me.

Is that we do not communicate.

It is a problem since young that did not get rectified. In my deepest memory, i knew it was an incident that caused the miscommunication between us.

I know i was at fault then.

I know i am.

I know i am still at fault.

Since that day, we never spoke.

I wanted to improve myself. So i joined red cross. I wanted to be a leader.

Of all the problems i solved as a leader, i ultimately never solved one. Or even attempt.

My brother.

My mother ask her god why this 2 brothers do not talk, do not play with each other.

I do not know if my brother thinks this way, but.

I do feel that way. I was asking... myself.

Why? Why does it have to turn out this way. Can't anything be done?

Or is it too late, too little?

I blogged last time, perhaps when we grow up, we will understand each other.

How damn wrong was I.

The situation hit the roof today.

I only get money to eat. which is $10 given by my mum to my brother and me everyday. Apart from that, i only take money to top up card, buy materials in school. I explained to him that each of my mock up and final models cost over $100. I only ask for money when i desperately need it.

Even my phone, i paid for myself without using plan. My presentation board. $20 a piece. 4 pieces for last presentation.

I even let my mum use my plan to upgrade her phone. Something that i haven even done myself.

Why don't i work? I am working in fact.

I joined the competition for marina bayfront bridge artwork design.

That means 1 month of my holidays were taken up. The other half? I used it to help out for orientation and Red Cross.

I get envious of him at times. Yes.

He has a lot of trophies in his cabinet. I only have a small red cross plaque from secondary school, badges, and ranks to show off.

He was born with the features of my mum, a pretty boy at sight. Yet, i inheritted my father's features. He could get a girlfriend easily with his look. I cannot.

Its true, inner beauty is of more important. But, most people will look at the outside before venturing in.

I do not get new clothes or shoes. I save my money for materials. and for my own leisure last time in terms of dota ing.

Now i have bought my own Frozen Throne CD and saved more money.

I am still inferior to him in terms of physical appearance.

But, i appreciate myself for that. I love myself.

I love myself for being able to help out those in need when i needed to. I love myself for abling to push an elderly up the slope while my friends merely watched.

I loved myself as the stubborn or strong character i put up. I love myself for the fact that all of my friends drank to celebrate, yet i didnt because i knew if everyone drank, whos gonna take care of the people.

I loved myself for the love i give to a single person i liked and only her.

I love myself for myself.

I love myself for degrading myself to entertain people.

I want to bring love to this world, even at the extent of sacrificing myself to appear foolish.

I love myself for crying at ease, for being so emotional like now.

Most of all, i hate myself for being so weak.

So what if i could manage things outside of my home.

I couldn't even make friends with my brother.

So what if i have endless groups of friends outside. So what if Lots of people knew me.

I CANNOT EVEN CONTROL MY OWN HOME.


i am weak afterall.



I cannot think of anything more to write...

i will probably need you more in the future, blog.

Thank you..